Golden Sunsets Redux - 60 Years of Memories - Part 7 - 1973

Time for a look back at something which was an enjoyable TV series when I was very young, but due to it's influence on other media, became something much, much more...

1973:

The trivia:

• The "Tree of Ténéré" existed in the Sahara Desert in northeast Niger. It was considered the most isolated tree in the world as it was hundreds of miles from any other living thing and was estimated to have existed for around 300 years. Despite the passing of hordes of camels and nomadic Toureg tribesmen, the tree survived - leading many to believe that it was protected by a tribal taboo. When officials dug a well in 1938, they discovered that the roots had crept 35 meters (110 feet) beneath the surface to an underground water source. Astonishingly despite being the only landmark for miles, it was struck by vehicles twice - one in the 1940s and then again in 1973 by a drunken Libyan truck driver, which snapped it in half and killed it. The remains were later installed in a dedicated shrine at the Niger National Museum and a simple metal sculpture now stands in its former desert location.

• On 10th May 1973, an armed man wearing a black balaclava walked into the Imperial Bank of Commerce in Kenora, Canada and demanded that his bags were filled with money. Strapped round his chest were six sticks of dynamite, wired to a “dead man’s switch” in his teeth. As he made his escape with a hostage, a police sniper fired and detonated the bomb, killing the robber instantly. Eleven other people were also injured. With his features destroyed and any recovered evidence leading to dead-end false names and addresses, the man was never identified. Astonishingly, despite being scattered across a wide area by the explosion, almost all of the stolen $100,000 was recovered.

• When legendary rock band The Who were about to perform in San Francisco, drummer Keith Moon took some Ketamine mixed with brandy to “calm his nerves”. Part way through the set he started to slow down, eventually passing out mid-way through a song and had to be carted off to hospital. Watching the events unfold was 19-year-old fan Scott Halpin. When Pete Townshend asked if anyone in the audience could play drums, Halpin (despite not playing for a year) found himself propelled onto the stage and heroically trying to accompany the band in a nine-minute version of “Naked Eye”. After three songs the concert ended, with Halpin taking a bow alongside his heroes.

The memory:

The Six Million Dollar Man

"...we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the world's first bionic man..."

With those immortal words from boss Oscar Goldman (or a version of them depending on what season you watch), actor Lee Majors became part-computerised astronaut Steve Austin - and star of ITV's top Saturday tea-time action show. I'm sure everyone over a certain age knows the basic premise, but let's quickly recap. Austin is critically injured in an experimental aircraft crash but is "rebuilt" in a pioneering operation costing - you guessed it - six million dollars. His right arm, both legs and left eye are replaced with "bionic" implants, enabling him (amongst other things) to run at 60 mph, see twenty times further than normal and lift enormous weights - although his new limbs are vulnerable to sub-zero temperatures. Austin is soon reluctantly recruited to work as a secret agent for the Office of Scientific Intelligence (OSI).

After three "made for TV" movies, we then got a proper series. The 99 episodes featured a number of increasingly outlandish science fiction and paranormal concepts - ESP, robot doubles, a fellow astronaut who can communicate with dolphins (played by William Shatner no less), aliens crash-landing on Earth, several appearances by Bigfoot, a rogue mechanical Venus probe, and an invisible alien island! Plus there were of course the various other bionic enhanced characters peppered throughout the five seasons, most famously Jaime Sommers, the Bionic Woman.

The show became hugely popular and by the mid-70s was visible everywhere. In the UK, schoolboys across the country took Steve Austin to their hearts and there were many playground scenarios where one or more children acted out bionic feats of strength (usually in slow-motion with appropriate "doing-oing-oing" sound effects).

Inevitably a spin-off for “The Bionic Woman” was developed and ran for three seasons from 1976. This time instead of an eye, Jamie Sommers was given a bionic ear, enabling her to hear across long distances or through walls. There were several crossover episodes with the parent series, more outlandish plots, the return of Bigfoot and even Maximillian, the bionic dog. 

The thing is, as good as the programmes were, what I really remember from this period are the toys and comic books.

The Six Million Dollar Man figure rivalled "Action Man" for popularity. Supposedly these were my younger brothers toys, but we both played with them equally and there were at least a couple of birthday and Christmas lists where we asked for the various play sets and add-ons.

Steve Austin himself was kitted out in a nifty bright red tracksuit. His left eye was a kind of telescope which your could peer through from the back of his head (in reality I seem to recall it just made everything look odd). Beneath the tracksuit top the bionic arm was covered in a kind of rubber "skin", which you could roll back to reveal the circuitry underneath. The arm also came off and could be replaced with different "critical assignment arms" which had gadgets such as a laser, a karate chop / gun combination and an underwater mask and air supply.

Pride of place in our household through was given to the "Bionic Transport and Repair Station". When closed it sort of resembled a Saturn V rocket with Steve's head peering out through the plastic window. But opened up and disassembled, it became a medical and scientific station for our hero to rest, recuperate and to be examined by the microscope, X-ray unit and computer - all connected by black tubes. Various stickers and glow in the dark dials created a place of electronic wizardry.

It's amazing that something so simple gave us so much joy. My brother and I spent hours devising missions for the Bionic Man, upgrading his weaponry in the Repair Station and then sending him off into the stratosphere in the rocket.

There were apparently several other playsets, such as outfits to dress Steve for deep space, a "Mission Vehicle" (which looks like a modern day 'Dustbuster' handheld vacuum cleaner) or an OSI Headquarters room to put your Oscar Goldman action figure in, plus more accessories - Critical Mission legs to go with those arms, a back pack crystal radio that really worked, a "porta-communicator" so you could make the Austin figure talk with your own voice - there was even an inflatable Mission Control Centre. Sadly we never had any of these and I can only remember seeing the crystal radio set in the shops.

No hero is complete without villains to fight and Steve Austin had several. There were action figures of Bigfoot (who strangely could project a square piece of plastic from his chest) and the Venus Space Probe with its rotating turret and missile launchers. I don't think those even made it to the UK and we were certainly never bought them by our parents. However we *did* get the greatest nemesis of them all...Maskatron.

This evil machine was a powerful robot who could disguise himself as Steve Austin or Oscar Goldman or adopt a bland normal human face to blend in with the population. His silver body was full of electronics and he could add two different weapon arms - a menacing grabber and a super suction arm (so he's essentially a Dalek in human form). The three faces could be stored inside a cavity in his chest. When fighting battles with your Bionic Man toy, if you hit Maskatron just on the right pressure points, his arms, legs and even head would fly off. Hours of fun!

Of course once Jaime Sommers came on the scene and got her own series, she also was released as an action figure, complete with "mission purse", realistic hair and a number of miniature accessories - oh and to rival “Barbie” she even got her own range of designer outfits, sports car, “carriage house” (a two foot tall dollhouse)  and even a bionic beauty salon! Jamie also got her own villain to fight in the form of the "Fembot" (basically Maskatron in drag). In those less enlightened times, we never asked for the toys. A shame, as some of them looked great.

But beyond the TV screen and the toy shop, the Six Million Dollar Man also went on to conquer the printed page. In the UK that meant a place in the popular kids TV tie-in magazine / comic "Look-In", which had been running since 1971. As well as pin-ups of TV stars and pop idols, interviews, crosswords and competitions, "Look-In"  also featured exciting picture strips of your favourite TV heroes and heroines. "Kung-Fu", "Space 1999", "Catweazle", "The Tomorrow People" and many more were lovely rendered in black and white and colour by a host of artists who are now very well known. The vast majority of the covers of "Look-In" were painted (many by John M. Burns) and Steve Austin featured on quite a few due to his immense success.

Impressively, over its lengthy run between June 1975 and March 1979, the tales of Steve Austin were written and drawn by the same creative team - Angus P. Allen and Martin Asbury. Asbury would also go on to be the artist on the Daily Mirror's decades-spanning SF / fantasy /adventure strip "Garth" (and the fact that there is no complete collection of the "Garth" tales is a travesty).

In comparison to the TV series the comics featured even more outlandish plotlines, including Lazlo Cernatz, the "Toymaker" who wanted to use his collection of deadly toys to hypnotise the children of the world to do his bidding, mad magician The Great Mandini and a gothic castle encounter with a werewolf.  Later on "The Bionic Woman" got her own strip drawn by John M. Burns and John Bolton, but this was more straightforward and faithful to the tone of the television series.

In the US, Charlton Comics produced a 9-issue full colour series in 1978, and more recently Dynamite Entertainment have had some success with various titles featuring the character with some issues written by director Kevin Smith. However in my mind, I'll always prefer the five-year run in "Look-In".

No look at the comics history of "The Six Million Dollar Man" would be complete though without mentioning the various homages, humour strips and blatant rip-off's. The first of these is "The 12 1/2p Buytonic Boy" which debuted in the first issue of "Krazy" comic in October 1976. Ordinary Steve Ford crashes his go-kart into a lamp post and buys a special tonic from Professor Nutz for the princely sum of twelve and a half pennies (the half penny still being legal tender until the mid-80s). Gaining special powers of speed, strength and agility, Steve is later hired by the 'Ever-so Secret Service' to defeat the nefarious plans of rival organisation the 'NME'.  The strip went through a number of name changes but ran for an amazing ten years across various titles and is still reprinted in "best of" collections to this day.

In 1977 along came what is without a doubt the most successful British comic of all time - 2000 AD. I have expressed my love for this title already and it's become one of the rare publications from the 1970s to still be released every single week. After 45 years and nearly 2,500 issues it shows no signs of slowing down it's mix of SF, fantasy and gritty action. Amazingly 2000 AD has had not one, not two, but *four* stories based around the concepts of the Bionic Man .Plus Prog 2 contained some free "Biotronic Man" stickers so you could turn yourself into a half man half robot hybrid. I loved these early comics and have very strong memories of them, so as much as this post is about The Six Million Dollar Man, please excuse the lengthy reminiscences that follow.

The first character started out as a blatant rip-off of the adventures of Steve Austin but soon became more original. Created by industry icon Pat Mills and appearing in the very first “Prog” released, "M.A.C.H. 1" was British Secret Service agent John Probe, who was given augmented speed and strength by a futuristic version of acupuncture - regulated by a computer fused into his skull. This "Man Activated by Compu-puncture Hyperpower" then operated across the world on missions against terrorists, assassins and organised crime - plus investigating hidden Nazi gold, mad tyrants and protecting visiting dignitaries and military scientists. In these early days "M.A.C.H. 1" rivalled "Judge Dredd" as the comics most popular story.

The various tales of John Probe were drawn by a wide range of British and European artists including Enio, Ian Kennedy, Massimo Bellardinelli, John Cooper, Mike Dorey and Jesus Redondo. Initially they were just more violent versions of the kind of thing the Bionic Man covered, but as time went on the strip started to embrace more fantastical elements. Probe encountered Yeti in the Himalayas, an alien spacecraft disguised as a Mayan temple and even journeyed into space to uncover a plot involving astronaut doubles and an attempt to start World War III.

Increasingly Probe became disillusioned with his missions and the machinations of his boss Dennis Sharpe. Things start to come to a head when he discovered that Sharpe and his American counterparts covered up the shooting down of a UFO by the US Air Force and the subsequent retaliation by the aliens. Then in Progs 36 - 39, John meets Tanya Maski, a East European woman who had been turned into M.A.C.H. Woman. Teaming up to defeat a lunatic who had turned children into Hyperpowered zombies (shades of the "Toymaker" perhaps...), Probe convinced her to defect to the West, but she died in the final battle to destroy the stolen secrets. It then turned out that Sharpe knew about her all along and Probe vowed to investigate his corrupt practices.

Digging through Sharpe's files John discovered the existence of M.A.C.H. Zero, the first experiment with the Compu-puncture technology. Lacking the controlling computer intelligence, the poor man had been reduced to little more than a child-like beast held in a secure facility. Zero broke out of his prison and he and Probe ended up fighting, but eventually Zero was convinced to turn himself in and Sharpe promised to find a cure for his condition. Of course it's was a double-cross and Zero was seemingly killed in an explosion.

Totally disillusioned with things, Probe disappeared for months until Sharpe's men found him and hauled him before the man in charge. It was revealed that if he didn't get regular top-ups of Compu-puncture, Probe would burn out and die. After being forced to go on another mission, he also realised that he had no memory from before the experiments that gave him his powers and officially he did not exist! Confronting his controller, Probe learned that Sharpe had been manipulating events from the beginning and now intended to roll out his next version of the technology - the fully android M.A.C.H. 2.

The final adventure was told in flashback at an inquiry. As first direct contact was made with the a race of benevolent aliens, Sharpe became power-mad and attempted to wipe them all out to steal their technology - a kind of militarised version of "Close Encounters of the Third Kind".  Probe elects to save the alien ambassador (nick-named "Fred") at the cost of his own life and dies in a hail of bullets as Fred's rescuers escape to the stars. Thankfully Sharpe is caught in the cross-fire and the inquiry concludes that he had gone rogue and that Probe had died a hero. The case-file on M.A.C.H. 1 was closed and we never learned who John Probe really was or how he was conscripted in the first place. It's an abrupt end to an exciting but ultimately sad tale.

At the time I was quite upset by the death of M.A.C.H. 1. Sure we had seen various cowboys eaten by rampaging dinosaurs and Dredd killing perps committing a crime, but this was the first time a genuine hero had died.

The story is not quite over though, as in Prog 65 M.A.C.H. Zero returned in his own series, having survived the explosion and been left wandering aimlessly ever since. A tragic yet innocent anti-hero more in the mold of Frankenstein's monster, Zero had a number of fairly unremarkable adventures against unscrupulous entertainers and the like, but also befriended a tribe of sewer-dwelling down-and-outs before deciding to embark on his own quest to find his lost son Tommy. However when he became mixed up in an attempt to steal an experimental battle suit, Zero is almost recaptured by the authorities. Nothing was heard from him for quite a while and meanwhile in Prog 95 another new series started which had a sideways connection to "The Six Million Dollar Man".

Written by Chris Stevens with art by Carlos Pino and lasting just five episodes, "Angel" was the story of Scorpion F-20 pilot Harry Angel who was involved in a near fatal crash and found his aircraft's computer bonded to the nerves in his right arm and shoulder. The artificial intelligence believed that the man *was* the plane and it gave Harry a host of abilities including enhanced reflexes, muscle control and an almost superhuman ability to sense danger. Sound familiar? All sorts of exciting adventures ensued. Actually they didn't. It's a wholly unremarkable fill-in story and I only mention it here because the plot bears some similarities to "Cyborg IV" by Martin Caidin. The original "Cyborg" novel was of course the first tale of Steve Austin and the direct inspiration for the TV series. Harry Angel has had a handful of cameo appearances in other strips over the intervening decades, usually highlighting how crap he is…

M.A.C.H. Zero returned for one last adventure in Progs 162 - 165. Dying from the effect of the  Hyperpower experiments, he had one final chance to rescue his son Tommy from an abusive foster-father before dying on Dartmoor after a battle with the army. With that final appearance it seemed that the Compu-puncture project was dead - and that was true until the spring of 1997...

Having won a landslide victory in the British General Election, Tony Blair realised that to make Britain great again he must perform the ultimate sacrifice and change forever. A sequence of Compu-puncture operations transform the Prime Minister and connect him to a computer intelligence known as Doctor Spin -  turning him into the first man to have Bio-Enhancement Link-Up via Artificial Intelligence Relays - he had became B.L.A.I.R. 1!

Yes it's a crude satire strip. Originally appearing as a one-off humourous update to M.A.C.H. 1 in the future-looking "3000 AD" supplement that accompanied the comics 20th birthday, it returned as a short series a few months later. As you can imagine it was somewhat controversial and attracted a lot of attention from the tabloid press. It was scripted by veteran Alan Grant and featured excellent fully painted artwork from rising star Simon Davis - and to be honest that's probably the best thing about it. It was a bit of a low point for 2000 AD. Thankfully B.L.A.I.R. 1 was killed off by 'reader demand' just sixty-odd issues later in June 1998, having endured just four short adventures. Rumours of a Donald Trump starring reboot are thankfully just fake news...

The adventures of Steve Austin and his friends have continued to have an influence on popular culture across the decades. In the 1980s we would get much darker takes on cybernetic organisms with “The Terminator” and “Robocop”. In literature, William Gibson’s “Neuromancer” depicted a world where cybernetic technology was commonplace. In the present day Charlie Brooker’s “Black Mirror” has shown how human / technology interfaces may not be the boon we thought they were. These are all excellent of course, but the child within me still keeps returning to those days when all you needed to be a super secret agent was some stickers and the ability to pretend punch in slow-motion.

Time for another battle with Maskatron I think...

Honourable mentions:

• The Three Musketeers - There have been many, many versions of the classic "d'Artagnan Romance" stories by Alexander Dumas, but this one directed by Richard Lester is by far and away my favourite. Not only does it manage to walk the fine line between swashbuckling action adventure and comedic moments, but just look at that cast - Michael York as the young, naïve d'Artagnan. Oliver Reed. Frank Finlay and Richard Chamberlain as his three faithful companions. Scene stealing villainous performances from Charlton Heston, Faye Dunaway and Christopher Lee. Raquel Welch and Roy Kinnear in supporting roles. It's a near perfect ensemble. Plus the screenplay by George MacDonald Fraser (author of the "Flashman" novels) is a pretty faithful adaptation of the novel, a significant achievement given the book's complexity. Add authentic looking locations and some bracing fight sequences and it all adds up to a film that is just fabulous. No other version (except the filmed-at-the-same-time sequel of course) has even come close.

• Pipkins - This fondly remembered children's TV show featuring animal puppets aired on the ITV network between 1973 and 1981. My memories are of coming home for lunch from my village school (yes, we used to do that) and watching the antics of Hartley Hare, Pig, Topov the monkey and the others while I ate my sandwiches. To be honest I don't recall much about the early years with old Inigo Pipkin and his workshop, so my era of the show would have been with Johnny (plated by Wayne Laryea) and the animals running an organisation called "The Help People". Nowadays it seems fashionable to only talk about how moth-eaten, scary and deformed looking the puppets were, but at the time it was quite a ground-breaking show in its use of characters with distinct regional accents. I just loved the stories and the characters. This was from an era where kids shows could actually teach you things. In total 333 episodes were made, but only 135 have survived. A real shame.

• Star Trek - The Animated Series - After the cancellation of the original "Star Trek" series in 1969, it was repeated endlessly on American syndicated television, resulting in a huge rise in fan appreciation for the show. There has been talks about a more child-orientated animated spin-off even while the third season was airing, but it took until 1973 for a deal to be struck, by which time Gene Rodenberry decided that he wanted to continue the voyages of the crew of the Starship Enterprise.  Most of the cast returned to voice their characters and despite some technical limitations animation allowed the writers far greater freedom and creativity than was possible in the original live-action series. The show is also notable for giving Kirk the middle name Tiberius - and for featuring non-humanoid crew members, in the form of three-legged alien Arex and the cat-like M'Ress (both later to appear in the "New Frontier" novels by the much-missed Peter David). I loved the show and for a while I remembered more about the animated stories than the live-action ones, particularly as the show used the classic Filmation style which I knew from so many other Saturday morning cartoons of the period. It's still a favourites and yes  - it IS canon if anyone asks !

Golden Sunsets Redux - 60 Years of Memories - Part 6 - 1972

It’s a fairly short recollection this time, but exactly why do I have fond memories of the sound of bouncing ball bearings ?…

1972:

The trivia:

• Biologist Ivan Sanderson was one of the founders of cryptozoology - the study of unknown, extinct or legendary animals, such as the Yeti, Bigfoot or Loch Ness Monster.  He wrote extensively on the subject, but his credibility was damaged when he claimed to have  discovered the footprints of a fifteen foot tall penguin - something that later was proved to have been faked. In subsequent years he identified twelve areas around the world which he named "Vile Vortices" and which were apparently the sites of unexplained disappearances and mysterious phenomena. This was all published in a 1972 collection of essays under the title “Investigating the Unexplained”. The best known of these “vortices”, centres of magnetic or space time disturbances, is of course the “Bermuda Triangle”.

• Coordinated Universal Time (UTC) is the primary time standard used globally to regulate clocks and time zones. Everyone knows about the addition of a leap day every four years, but most will not be aware that UTC has had to be adjusted by “leap seconds” several times in recent decades, due to changes in the Earths rotation. Since 1972 has a leap day and two extra leap seconds, it is officially the longest year in history. 

• The first ever stuffed toys based on Paddington Bear were created in 1972 by Shirley Clarkson as Christmas presents for her children. When interest in the toys increased, Shirley and her husband Eddie started selling them in local shops - even though they didn’t have the rights. Threatened with an expensive lawsuit, a chance introduction to author Michael Bond in a lift resulted in him granting them a licence - which they kept for many years. It made the Clarkson’s fortune, a fact which has always been cited as an important step in the career of their son Jeremy - presenter of "Top Gear" and “The Grand Tour”.

The memory:

Cascade

In the days before computers, consoles (or pretty much any type of electronic device beyond something with a few beeps and flashing lights), toy manufacturers were always looking for the next thing to keep kids entertained. One could argue that this led to some of the most innovative and unusual toys and board games ever released. Sure there was the usual stuff like Lego and Barbie and Monopoly. But the 70s also gave us such oddities as “Stretch Armstrong”,  the interchangeable world of the “Micronauts” or Airfix’s plane on almost invisible wires that could decapitate a sibling “Flight Deck”. Kids were encouraged to put plastic in the oven with “Shrinky Dinks” or poor oozy “Slime” into the gaps between the sofa cushions. Plus tie-in toys abounded including the classic “Six Million Dollar Man”sets, Evel Knievel’s Stunt Cycle and personal favourite “The Game of Jaws”. 

But along with these were also things that were less of a game and more of…an experience - and this brings us to “Cascade”, released by British toy legends Matchbox. It’s…well, I could try and describe what it looks like but it's far easier to just show you a picture:

At its core “Cascade” is a form of perpetual motion machine and it makes for a highly unusual toy for kids. Once the pieces were out of the long box, it only took a few minutes to spread out the yellow plastic sheet, slot the red pieces together, plug in the tower section (with accompanying spinning 'flag') and finally place the three drums on their designated spots - oh and don't forget the *huge* battery to power the thing. But everything had to be exactly right or the "magic" wouldn't work.

As you flicked the switch, the yellow screw started to turn with a slightly grinding noise. Slowly you fed in the ten steel ball bearings provided to the bottom of the tower and watched them rise to the top  - where they would drop off the steep ledge. If you had placed the drums correctly, the ball bearings would then bounce once on each drum and then clatter into the receptacle at the end. Some would be captured in the scoring slots and others would escape and flow down the slide and by force of gravity, run along the thin strip and back to the tower for another journey. By use of a second switch, you could also control the flow of the balls - either letting them go from the tower one by one, or releasing all ten for a full "cascade".

Eventually all the balls would be caught, at which point you could release them for another round. There were various basic games described in the accompanying leaflet but alternatively you could remove the scoring plate and the balls would continually run up the tower, bounce off the drums and then go round and round and round again. As the blurb says "It's baffling, it's fascinating, it's soothing... it's Cascade".

To be honest it took a lot of trial and error to get the full effect. Although there are circles on the base sheet to indicate where the drums should go, just going with the default often meant that the balls bounced correctly on the first drum and then went everywhere as they spun off on drums two or three. Slight tweaking of the positions and many reattempts later, suddenly the fates would align and all ten balls would bounce perfectly across and clatter into the end container - cycling round again and again. It was wonderful to see.

I don't ever remember really playing the "games", just letting the balls bounce endlessly and hypnotically until my brother and I got bored or (more likely) the batteries ran out. Eventually after a couple of years either something plastic broke or the battery was left in too long and ruined the compartment and that was then end of that.

As you can see from the pictures I've managed to find, there were a couple of different versions (possibly UK and US) - one made of red and yellow plastic with a yellow base sheet and one made of blue and red plastic and a blue sheet. Nowadays complete and fully working versions are very rare and enthusiasts have had to cannibalise parts from multiple purchases to experience the joy of the bouncing balls. There are even a handful of videos online showing everything in motion. It’s probably a long shot after all these years, but I’d love to get my own set and relive the childhood excitement of “Cascade”.

Honourable mentions: 

• The Amazing Mr. Blunden - Based on Antonia Barber’s 1969 book “The Ghosts”, this charming Dickensian-style mystery film was Lionel Jeffries directorial follow-up to all-time classic "The Railway Children". It’s a period tale of time travel, ghosts, of paths not taken and the chance to right wrongs. Apparently beating the likes of Peter Cushing and David Niven to the lead role, veteran actor Laurence Naismith puts in an unforgettable performance as the titular mysterious old man with a twinkle in his eye. Although I didn’t realise it at the time, he had supporting roles in two other of my favourite films - “Scrooge” and Harryhausen skeleton-fest “Jason and the Argonauts”. The other actor of note is Diana Dors who genuinely frightened me as odious housekeeper Mrs Wickens. It's a truly wonderful film, oozing with heart, atmosphere and enough cheer to melt even the hardest of hearts - plus like “The Railway Children” they all wave goodbye at the end!  I was utterly captivated the first time I saw it. For many years it was unfairly forgotten except by die-hard fans, which include Marks Kermode and Gatiss - the latter of whom had a pretty reasonable go at a remake in 2021. The original is still the best though.

• The Burke Special - This BBC series focussed on various aspects of modern life and (amongst other things) how changes in society and technology affected the individual. James Burke (by this point well known as a presenter of science show “Tomorrow’s World”) would wander round a studio full of members of the public, pulling them into sometimes odd experiments related to the topic of the week and explaining how things worked. It was both entertaining and educational - distilling down complicated ideas for the man or woman on the street. It’s hard to give a full description because although I definitely recall watching various episodes between 1972 and 1976, sadly almost none exist in the BBC archives. It’s included here because it was my first exposure to Mr Burke - who I consider an absolute genius and one of only two scientists (the other being Carl Sagan) who genuinely changed my life and how I think about the world. Burke would go on to create “Connections” (perhaps his finest work) but let’s end with a clip of the great man in action in one of the “Specials”, explaining how the economy works…

• The Poseidon Adventure - I love disaster movies and the 70s had more than its fair share of great ones. An all-star cast coming together to face great adversity as something generally goes horribly wrong - with the audience playing detective to try and work out who will live or die. But as far as I am concerned this capsized luxury ocean liner tale is the daddy of them all. Produced by “Master of Disaster” Irwin Allen (also responsible for genre classics “Lost in Space” and “The Time Tunnel”) its incredible sets, non-stop action and thrilling moments of peril make it a real treat. I may have been drawn by the appearance of SF favourite Roddy McDowall as ship’s waiter Acres, but I stayed for the heartfelt perfomances from Gene Hackman, Shelley Duvall and the rest. Even now when I know what’s going to happen, I still enjoy it just as much. A poor sequel followed in 1979 (starring Michael Caine no less) followed by a pair of remakes in the early 2000s - the latter of which is only worthwhile for Richard Dreyfuss. 

• Silent Running - The directorial debut of special effects guru Douglas Trumbull, this post-apocalyptic science-fiction movie has an environmental message that is as important now as it was then, even if it is framed by the US counterculture movement of the time it was made (the phrase “global warming” was 15 years away). It made a huge impression on me, not just because of the themes, or the superb central performance by Bruce Dern, but also because of the three robots his character worked with. Played by bilateral amputees, Huey, Dewy and Louie had real warmth and personality and play more and more of a role as the film progresses. I'd take them over R2-D2 anytime. While it has a downbeat, melancholic ending it’s still full of awe-inspiring imagery - the beauty of nature contrasted against the vast blackness of space - plus the unmistakable voice of Joan Baez singing “Rejoice in the Sun”…

• Watership Down - Rabbits are deeply embedded in human culture. Symbols of fertility or good luck. As tricksters or agents of chaos. Plus they are hugely popular in British literature. Lewis Carroll, Beatrix Potter and AA Milne have all created rabbit characters that are beloved the world over. But for me, it’s Richard Adams’ magnificent story of Fiver, Hazel, Bigwig and their friends that captured my imagination like no other. Their world felt totally real -  no walking on hind legs and wearing waistcoats here - and the dangers both animal and man-made were terrifying. It was the first fictional story to make me properly cry with the power and emotion of the story. I read it over and over again, each time discovering something new. Yes, the 1978 animated version is rightly lauded and it’s images scarred a generation, but General Woundwort was even scarier in my imagination. 

• Rainbow - Just the first Bungle. The stuff of nightmares. What were they thinking?.

We're All Stories In The End 12 - Cat's Cradle : Time's Crucible

 It's a trilogy, but not as you know it...

Cat's Cradle : Time's Crucible by Marc Platt

Seventh Doctor Adventures number: 5

Originally published: February 1992

Companions: Ace

"You're on your own, Ace."

The TARDIS is invaded by an alien presence, and is then destroyed. The Doctor disappears.

Ace, lost and alone, finds herself in a bizarre deserted city ruled by the tyrannical, leech-like monster known as the Process.

Lost voyagers drawn forward from Ancient Gallifrey perform obsessive rituals in the ruins.

The strands of time are tangled in a cat's cradle of dimensions.

Only the Doctor can challenge the rule of the Process and restore the stolen Future.

But the Doctor was destroyed long ago, before Time began.

So this month we are back near the very start of the Virgin New Adventures, with the 1992 fifth novel  - and the first written by Marc Platt.  

And if I'm honest, it's a bit of a mixed bag really

Yes there are some clear attempts at clever world building and expanding the universe of Timelord lore. Yes the peek into the "Time of Chaos" of ancient Gallifrey and the cult of Pythia  is certainly new and yes, the TARDIS colliding with a prototype time ship and turning inside out - into a city where you can cross time streams as easily as crossing a river - is definitely a cool concept.

This book *wants* to be complex  - this is from the guy who wrote Ghost Light after all - and I'm all for being thrown in at the deep end and not being spoon fed a plot. I don't mind the mentions of vague concepts such as as Lungbarrow and Looms, as clearly looking back from a position 30+ years later, we know that will at be picked up (albeit a long way down the line).

But at times it just felt like it was trying too hard.

The writing style is by turns incredibly clunky and incredibly convoluted and…well sadly, incredibly dull. Parts - especially in the first half -  feel overwritten to the point of being meaningless, as if the author wanted to show off how abstract he could be and how many tortuous similes he could cram in. It's page after page of purple prose that genuinely made me sigh with exasperation.

And just what does a phrase such as "Swerving the command frog" mean anyway?

Things do get better plot wise as the book progresses. From the point that Ace climbs into the TARDIS attic and finds the "Willby Doctor" waiting for her, it starts to come together, even if, a bit like the tower at the heart of the city, you can see the cogs and gears of the ending sliding into place. I figured out that there must be a third Process a good while before it was revealed - although I was never really clear on what any of them really wanted beyond "The Future".

The problem is, by that point I just didn’t really care about the fate of any of the supporting characters.

The Chronauts were very underdeveloped - apart from maybe Shonizi and Vael they're paper thin - and even those two have just a veneer of characterisation.

Ace fares a little better, but only because her character had been developed (to a degree) before this novel. Her horror at the thought of being turned into an insect guard felt real -  but even she's not consistent. When exactly did she develop feelings for Shonzi ?  They only seem to have known each other for five minutes !

In the end there is an awful lot happening - with the sphere contracting, the TARDIS being reborn, platforms whizzing up and down and multiple versions of the same people & monsters in the same scene. Stuff is meant to feel that it has incredible importance, yet I felt utterly detached from it, as it's all presented in such a cold, clinical fashion. Much like the deleted alternate futures, it didn’t matter.

I just couldn’t connect with any of it. It was an odd feeling.

So despite it's grand themes and ideas and allusions. Despite it  trying something new, "Times Crucible" is, at least in my eyes, a very flawed book.

I'm glad I read it. But it's definitely not one that I would go back to any time soon.

Oh and by the way - isn’t mercury incredibly toxic? Not sure anyone should be wading through a river of it !

Although now that I think of it, describing the descending  moon / egg as "The most momentous impact since Adric hit Mexico" ? That did raise a smile....

Golden Sunsets Redux - 60 Years of Memories - Part 5 - 1971

So what do you get if you mix a bunch of historical figures with ideas of resurrection, alien overlords, religion, man's inherent inhumanity to man and a study of ethics? Probably one of the most original and astonishing science fiction ideas ever published  - and a book series that is in my top twenty of all time.

1971:

The trivia:

• Astronaut Ed Mitchell piloted the Apollo 14 lunar module and was the sixth person to walk on the Moon. He said of his experiences: "From out there...international politics look so petty. You want to grab a politician by the scruff of the neck and drag him a quarter of a million miles out and say, ‘Look at that, you son of a bitch."

• Sizzling grilled meat served with onions and peppers on a flour or corn tortilla. We all know what that is, right? Although the first culinary evidence comes from the ranch lands of Texas in the 1930’s, there is actually no known written documentation of the word "fajitas" prior to…1971.

• After a four and a half month journey, NASA’s Mariner-9 became the first spacecraft to enter the orbit of another planet when it reached Mars on 14th November - only narrowly beating two Soviet probes that arrived weeks later. However, due to a planet-wide dust storm, the entire surface of the planet was obscured, resulting in Mariner-9’s cameras being turned off until mid-January of the following year. 

The memory:

To Your Scattered Bodies Go by Philip José Farmer

At the round earth's imagin'd corners, blow
Your trumpets, angels, and arise, arise
From death you numberless infinities
Of souls, and to your scattered bodies go.

7th of the "Holy Sonnets" by John Donne

Prolific author Philip José Farmer first appeared in this trawl through my memories when his odd Doc Savage / Tarzan mash-up “A Feast Unknown” got an honourable mention. But now we come to what many consider his most famous series. This was one of those occasional books that I bought on a whim - intrigued by both the cover and the blurb on the back of the paperback. Billed as the first volume in the “magnificent Riverworld" saga”, at the time I didn’t know that this spur of the moment purchase would eventually grow to me reading multiple novels, several collections of short stories and spark a lasting interest in some new historical figures. 

Although it came out in 1971,  I think I must have originally picked up “Scattered Bodies” in. ..1979? That sounds about right. I do know that once I started, it was a book I simply couldn’t put down and I sped through it in around three days. I was so absorbed by the storyline that I immediately went out to buy the others in the set - only to find that the final (at the time) fourth book had still not been released !

So here's the premise. Millions of years in the future, every single human who has ever lived is resurrected along the banks of an endless winding river. From the earliest Neanderthals through to the 21st century (when 99% of the population was apparently wiped out during a disastrous first contact with aliens from Tau Ceti).  They all awaken on the shore naked, but in bodies as they were at age twenty-five - and in perfect health. Lost limbs have reappeared, genetic defects and diseases are all cured. Those who died younger than 25 appear in a body from that point of death (and age up to 25), but there is no one under the age of five and children cannot be conceived. Should an individual "die" due to suicide, an accident, or at the hand of someone else, they just resurrect again at a different place along the river.

Every person appears with a metal container strapped to their wrist which can only be opened by them. When placed in huge mushroom-shaped "grailstones" which are dotted along the riverbank, and charged via a periodic electricity bolt, these "grails" dispense food, drink, cloth  - and luxuries such as alcohol, mild drugs, tobacco and "dreamgum" which can induce hallucinations.

At the start there is no technology on this world and metals and ores are almost non-existent. The mountains that rise steeply from the plains are impassable and life exists at a very basic level. But what initially seems like paradise soon turns into anything but, as human greed and violence asserts itself. Thousands of tiny fiefdoms and kingdoms appear along the river - some are peaceful but many are ruled by dictators who put those unfortunate enough to be reborn in their areas into "grail slavery" - giving the poor people only basic rations and keeping the luxuries for themselves. 

Into this new and strange existence comes renowned colonial explorer Richard Francis Burton (no relation to the actor). He soon surrounds himself with a disparate group of friends from all eras, which includes Alice Lidell (the inspiration for Alice in Wonderland). Burton is unique because he became concious in the "holding space" before resurrection and has seen a glimpse of the race that created Riverworld. Visited by a mysterious figure, Burton is compelled to take his friends and find the source of this endless river and confront the "Ethicals" in control. After many trials, including being enslaved by the infamous Nazi Herman Göring, Burton finds himself close to being captured by the Ethicals, so kills himself over and over and over again - each time hoping that he will get closer to the secrets of the tower at the headwaters of the river.

If that doesn't sound fascinating enough, the subsequent books introduce an even wider array of characters both real and fictional and detail their various efforts to discover the reason for humanity's rebirth. This includes author Samuel Clemens (who wrote as Mark Twain). Thanks to the assistance of the Mysterious Stranger, he enlists the help of Viking warlord Eric Bloodaxe, Lothar von Ricthofen (the WWI fighter pilot known as the Red Baron), King John of England and Cyrano de Bergerac to help mine a fallen meteorite and build a huge paddle boat known as the 'Not For Hire'. He intends to sail upriver and find the source of the river. Though it may be millions of miles and his voyage may take centuries, Clemens is determined to find answers.

Through the course of (what became) five novels, Farmer weaves the adventures of a dozen or more famous faces and people from a vast range of cultures and time periods into his huge sweeping narrative. He even writes himself into the storyline in the guise of author “Peter Jairus Frigate”. The true purpose of the "Ethicals" and their reasons for creating Riverworld are shrouded in mystery and the metaphysical answer challenges everyone's opinions of what it means to be alive. It’s a saga where you definitely need to read the first four books to get the full effect of Farmer's imagination. You could miss out book five and not lose anything from the main plot (even Farmer himself calls it a “sidestream” novel), but it does give some more weight to the philosophical questions being asked across the series as a whole.

As for the main protagonist, Richard Francis Burton was an extraordinary man to choose. A 19th century explorer, translator, soldier, writer, spy and diplomat, who apparently spoke 29 languages, he was also one of the first Europeans to visit Mecca. Translator of the "1,001 Arabian Nights" stories and the "Karma Sutra". Part of the group who discovered the great African lakes while hunting for the source of the Nile. Burton did all these things and much, much more. You can see why Farmer picked him. Learning about him through his fictitious exploits in the novel, I became fascinated with the real person, seeking out books by and about him from my local library (this being in the days before the internet of course). I learned many, many interesting facts through reading Farmer's work.

In the 90s there was an attempt to turn Riverworld into a shared universe anthology series with multiple authors contributing alongside Farmer, but only a couple of volumes made it to shelves before it petered out. There was also a role-playing game rule book and a poorly received video game.

Inevitably there have been a couple of bids to turn Farmer's vision into a TV show. The Sci-Fi Channel had a go once in 2003 (but that only went to a pilot) and then tried again in 2010 as a 3-hour TV movie. Both version are very flawed and hampered by both a lack of budget and the fact that the producers just didn't seem to really *get* the concept or the characters. Burton is replaced by an American astronaut in the first attempt and then becomes the villain in the second. That's no way to treat one of the greatest explorers of the 19th century !

Despite the fantastical setting and the SF concepts that are explored, the novels paint a disturbing picture of mankind. No matter the circumstances, we seem to degenerate into the worst examples of our species. There will always be those who want power and wealth and will do whatever it takes to obtain it. Sadly it appears that Farmer was quite prescient. I can understand some criticisms that the writing is very description-heavy and perhaps veers into a pulp style, but that's okay - as I’ve said before, I've grown to really appreciate that genre. Some may also find the occasional violent scenes unpalatable, but I don't think that it's gratuitous and it's all within the context of the heaven / hell world the author has created.

It is worth mentioning that Farmer also created two other unique fictional settings that are worth looking into. First there is the "World of Tiers" which features a series of artificially created pocket universes and one specifically which contains a planet consisting of cylindrical layers stacked on top of each other to form an enormous cone-shaped tower. The other series is "Dayworld", set in a dystopian future where overpopulation is solved by allowing people to exist for only one day a week - the rest of the time they are in suspended animation. However there are a few individuals who are 'Daybreakers' - living seven different lives across the week and working to destabilise the system. If you like high concept science fiction, Farmer is the man to go for. Some brilliant covers by Chris Foss too.

When I was young and first read them, I found "To You Scattered Bodies Go" and it's sequels to be brilliant pieces of science fiction with plenty to say about the human condition. Despite their age and changing tastes and moralities, I still think the series (and the first book in particular) stand up amazingly well today.

Honourable mentions:

• Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory - a gold-plated, timeless, five-star classic. Roald Dahl hated it, but he’s wrong, the miserable git. With an eccentric yet steely twinkle, Gene Wilder is pitch perfect in the title role (Dahl wanted Spike Milligan apparently. <<shudder>>). A genuinely great supporting cast, plus dancing Oompa-Loompas, catchy songs and hideous children getting their comeuppance adds to the delight. And let’s not forget that nightmarish boat tunnel sequence. How can you not love this film? The Burton “remake” isn't even worthy to shine its shoes - although the recent Timmy Chalamet prequel is surprising good.

• Mr Benn - to a certain generation, the phrase "As if by magic, the Shopkeeper appeared" immediately transports us back to a period when all of space and time was accessible via the door of a changing room. This wasn't "Doctor Who", it was a little man in a bowler hat who went on the most incredible animated adventures (personal favourites are “Wizard” and “Spaceman”). Written and drawn by David McKee and narrated by the soothing voice of Ray Brooks, the nation's children took Mr Benn to their hearts and he became a national institution - images appearing on adverts, posters, T- Shirts and even, in 2024, in “Doctor Who”…

• The World of Val Doonican LP - okay so maybe I’m fudging things here slightly, as this “Best of” album came out around 1968/1969. However I would have been too young to have heard it then, so it gets a place in 1971 when I was four years old. This coincides with my earliest memories of visiting my maternal grandparents in Sudbury, Suffolk. They had a massive “radiogram” that took up a corner of the living room in their cottage - complete with record player - and one of the albums in the cupboard was from good old Val. He was already a staple of Saturday night TV and on rainy weekend visits I’d put the LP on and listen to his smooth voice crooning out such hits as “Ellusive Butterfly” and “Walk Tall” - plus comedy classics “Rafferty’s Motor Car” and “Paddy McGinty’s Goat”. Those songs and that album cover bring back such happy memories from a genuinely golden time.

• Master Mind - no not the brainiac TV quiz show, but the “Invicta” peg based logic game (although many confused the two). Players had to guess the colour and placement of four pegs chosen by their opponent - their only indicator of success being a combination of black or white “feedback” pegs. The idea being that you work out the right combination before running out of turns. It’s more complicated than it sounds, trust me. A staple of kids Christmas presents (probably due to its size and cheapness), “Master Mind” is undoubtedly most famous for the picture on the box of an immaculately groomed bearded man in a suit, shadowed by a beautiful Asian woman. I must have played it for hours with my younger brother and there were multiple variations over the years. Sadly the picture does not depict an international spy and his associate, but the owner of a local chain of hairdressers who lived near the factory and a computer science student from Leicester University !

• Dave Allen At Large - obviously I was far too young to watch the hilarious sketches and monologues from the first few series of this landmark show, but as the years went by and I was allowed to stay up later, I became a huge fan. Dave’s relaxed style, perched on a stool, smoking away and sipping on a whiskey (actually ginger ale) was one of my formative experiences with comedy. I loved it as he appeared to get angrier and angrier. Never afraid to poke holes in the absurdities of life and the pomposity of religion, his routines were masterclasses in both timing and delivery - and laugh out loud funny both then and now. 

• Madman Across the Water by Elton John - not one of Reg’s best albums commercially, but boy does it have a bunch of songs that have stood the test of time, especially to my ears. I’ll always listen to the title track, plus standouts “ Levon” and “Indian Summer”, but it’s the 6 minutes and 17 seconds of the sublime “Tiny Dancer” that sits in the highest reaches of my favourite EJ music - especially after its brilliant use in the 2000 film “Almost Famous”.  Now that’s a movie I will definitely come to…

Golden Sunsets Redux - 60 Years of Memories - Part 4 - 1970

This time I'm focusing on a movie that was musical, educational, entertaining, odd and just a little bit scary...

1970:

The trivia:

• Author Joe Klaas alleged that aviation pioneer Amelia Earhart had actually survived her attempted flight round the world in 1937. Apparently she was captured by the Japanese, rescued and then secretly moved to New Jersey where she married and changed her identity to Irene Craigmile Bolam, a New York banker. Despite no concrete evidence to support his wild claims, the book was only pulled when Bolam sued both Klaas and his publisher.

• When a 45 foot, 8 ton sperm whale washed up on the shores of Florence, Oregon,  the authorities were concerned about the safety of curious onlookers so decided to…blow it up. Oregon Highway Division packed it full of half a ton of dynamite, stood back and…the resulting explosion threw huge chunks of whale carcass over 800 feet away. Thankfully no one was injured but at least one car was crushed as blubber rained from the sky.

• The serving of a daily “tot” of rum was a long standing Royal Navy tradition dating back over 300 years. Originally introduced to help combat scurvy, it soon became a part of naval culture. However concerns about operators of machinery being possibly intoxicated finally led to it being stopped on 31st July 1970. The last day was called "Black Tot Day" and was marked by mock funerals and sailors wearing black armbands. This day is still commemorated by…the consumption of rum.

The memory:

The Phantom Tollbooth

Billed as an "Alphabeautiful, Mathemagical Musical", this film is based on the 1961 children's book of the same name by Norton Juster (which is apparently a modern American classic, although somehow I have never read it). It's predominately famous because it was co-written, produced and directed by animation legend Chuck Jones - the man who was responsible for some of the all-time great Warner Brother "Looney Tunes" featuring Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck and Wile E. Coyote. It also featured the absolute cream of animations voice talent. Famous names such as "Man of a Thousand Voices" Mel Blanc (Bugs, Daffy, Sylvester the Cat, Barney Rubble), Daws Butler (Yogi Bear, Fred Flintstone, Huckleberry Hound) Hans Conried (Captain Hook) and June Foray (Rocky the Flying Squirrel and Tweety Pie's owner, Granny). It's also notable as the last animated film by MGM.

It's unlikely many people will have seen this film in recent years  - and even less probably remember it -  so I'm going to go through the story in some fine detail. It'll help when I get to the end, so please indulge me.

Milo (played by Butch Patrick from "The Munsters") lives and goes to school in San Francisco but just seems to dawdle through life not seeing what's around him. Everything is "a big waste of time". Spending another dull afternoon in his apartment on the phone to his friend Ralph, he suddenly notices a huge red and white striped parcel in his bedroom. The label reads "For Milo, who has plenty of time". Opening it up, the parcel transforms into a talking tollbooth and before he knows what is happening, Milo is seated inside a child-sized sports car and told to pick a destination from a map. Selecting "The Castle in the Air" at random, as he drives through the tollbooth Milo finds himself transformed into a cartoon and a swirling coloured vortex deposits him onto a twisting turning road.

He is immediately accosted by Officer Short Shrift, a tiny policeman riding about on one wheel . Shrift is a proto-Judge Dredd - possessing a huge chin with his upper face hidden by a helmet. He is cop, judge and jailer - believes everyone is guilty  until proven innocent - and hands out excessive sentences for minor misdemeanours. Just like Dredd then. 

Thankfully Milo gets away and drives into the town of Expectations, where he meets the unhelpful Whether Man, who never gives a straight answer and hates to make up his mind. Continuing on the same road for what seems like hours, Milo starts to drift asleep and doesn't pay attention as he takes the wrong turn into "The Doldrums". Inside the dank caves live the amoeba-like ghostly Lethargians who never think and are happy doing anything as long as it's...nothing. They convince Milo that he should stay with them and slowly his car sinks into the mass of creatures as their comical grins turn nasty - they want to stop the boy doing anything at all - eating, sleeping or even breathing...

Milo is only saved from this fate by the arrival of Tock the watchdog (who genuinely has a huge pocket watch in his stomach) and the pair are able to escape before a tidal wave of Lethargians engulfs them. Tock explains to Milo that he is in the Kingdom of Wisdom - a land ruled by two warring brothers - King Azaz the Unabridged of Dictionopolis whose believes that words are more important than numbers, and the Mathemagician of Digitopolis, who holds the opposite view. Their refusal to agree on anything has led the kingdom into confusion and there are demons gathering in the Mountains of Ignorance just waiting to pounce.

Driving towards Dictionopolis into the town of Expectations, Milo meets the Whether Man, who never gives a straight answer and hates to make up his mind. Apparently words have lost their meaning. He really gives no clear help before rising off into the sky attached to a number of balloons. They then almost immediately come across the mad Doctor Kakofonous, who loves loud objectionable sounds. While the doctor is distracted by the terrible noise he is making, they sneak out of his larger-on-the-inside caravan and Tock grabs a vial of Laughter tonic.

Finally arriving in the city, they enter the Marketplace of Words. Caught up in a duel between the insectoids The Spelling Bee and The Humbug, which wrecks the market, they end up sentenced to the dungeons for six million years. Inside they find the no-so-wicked Which, Faintly Macabre and she tells Milo the secret history of the kingdom and how the twin princesses Rhyme and Reason were banished to the Castle in the Air after causing the feud between King Azaz and the Mathemagician. 

Summoned to an audience with the monarch, Milo convinces him that Rhyme and Reason can be rescued - and Tock and The Humbug will accompany him. Before he leaves, Azaz gives Milo a huge bag of words which contains all the ideas anyone can think of.

Beginning their quest, the trio follow the road until it is blocked by a stone doorway leading into the Numbers Mine. Above the entrance they spot The Dodecahedron (who wears twelve different faces displaying twelve different emotions). He helps Milo break down the door and inside the mine they finally meet the Mathemagician. It's clear that he is the exact double of King Azaz, just with an opposing opinion. Leading the adventurers to his highly computerised workshop, he reveals that he blames Azaz for nothing making sense anymore but when Milo makes him realise that at least the pair agree to disagree, he sends them on with their journey - but not before giving Milo a magic pencil.

Heading towards the Mountains of Ignorance, Milo, Tock and Humbug come across Chroma, who conducts the sunrises and sunsets. When Humbug eggs Milo on to have a go at directing the sunrise, it ends in disaster and the sky becomes a constant battleground between the Sun and the Moon. Running from their mistake they are stopped in their tracks by the Senses Taker, an information obsessed paper pusher who wants to remove all their senses. Tock uses the vial he took from Doctor Dischord to engulf the weasely man in fits of giggles. After all, no one can take away your sense of humour...

Climbing the mountains, they have to face a number of even more bizarre obstacles. Firstly there is the Terrible Trivium - a faceless, bowler hatted man with detached body parts. Then what sounds like a terrible monstrous creature turns out to be just a pathetic ball of fur with a loud voice - the Demon of Insincerity. Finally there is the dim-witted Gelatinous Giant - who is defeated by that unusual bag of ideas and just melts away into sludge.

Almost at the doors of the Castle in the Air, they are blocked by the hordes of the Demons of Ignorance -  which include the Horrible Hopping Hindsight, the Gorgons of Hate, Malice, the Threadbare Excuse and worst of all the Overbearing Know-It-All. Using the magic pencil and the the bag of words together, Milo forces them back, drawing every weapon he needs and loading them with physical words. The demons merge to form a giant monster but the power of the word "Truth" disperses them into their component parts. Sadly Tock's pocket watch is damaged in the battle and Milo has to leave him and Humbug behind.

Ascending the invisible steps to the Castle, Milo finally meets the Princesses and learns they were the ones who sent for him because only a boy that was so bored he would do anything would be able to rescue them. Unable to get down, Milo spies the Whether Man and uses his balloons to get back to his friends, while Rhyme and Reason transform the kingdom back to the beautiful place it once was. Tock is repaired, Officer Shrift now thinks everyone is innocent and the Doctor is  a student of harmony not discord. Even the sky is fixed.

Having saved the day, Milo gets to go home back through the tollbooth, which folds itself up and flies out of the window. With a newfound enjoyment of life and all its little pleasures, Milo discovers that only five minutes has past and Ralph is still on the phone, although... what's  that strange red and white striped box that has just turned up in *his* bedroom?...

As you can tell from the synopsis above, the story is full of irony, double entendre, puns and wordplay. It might be billed as an animated action adventure but it has a hugely educational and moral message. Not only does Milo gain a new love of learning and practically apply the things from school that he previously thought were dull, he also rediscovers a love of life. It's also a commentary on the need for common sense and for rules (without Rhyme or Reason, the Kingdom of Wisdom descends into anarchy) and about learning from ones own mistakes. But it never descends into heavy-handed preaching.

Of course the film can be compared to "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" since both feature a child thrust into a world of absurd logic. The Whether Man's ramblings could be the Cheshire Cat and Officer Short Shrift's extreme justice is similar to that of the Queen of Hearts (although with more jail-time and less head chopping). The film has elements of "The Wizard of Oz", but parts (especially Chroma, the conductor of sunsets) also reminded me of the "Sorcerer's Apprentice" segment. from Disney's "Fantasia".

The animation is a curious mish-mash of styles. There are some classic wonderful Chuck Jones creations with the lead characters and Milo himself has those big eyes from Pepe Le Pew, Elsewhere some of the monsters seem almost half finished - just outlines with no real definition as if  they are not really there. Maybe that was deliberate. The backgrounds are also a mix of detailed buildings, half rendered shapes and abstract squiggles, perhaps representing the fluidity of the Kingdom as it flounders without any rules.

Now you might think that I've got amazing recall about a film I watched as a kid, but the truth is as part of writing this I watched it again for the first time in over thirty years - and I still found it as psychedelic and magical and entertaining as ever.  

The thing is though , I principally remember this film because as much as I enjoyed the inventive animation and the sheer artistry on display, it actually scared me enough to cause a few nights of lost sleep. The Lethargians in the green slime of the region of "The Doldrums"  - those fluid, amorphous shapes that split and reform as they ooze around their domain with a wet sucking sound? - as a child I found them terrifying. Even their song, "Don't Say There's Nothing To Do In the Doldrums" was spooky. Those evil denizens haunted my sleeping hours. I dreamt I was being sucked under the surface, their beady eyes and reedy voices laughing as they piled their sludge on top of me, trapping me forever. I remember waking up with a loud scream - convinced that I was lost in the Doldrums…

Even now all these decades later, if I have strange or unpleasant dreams, I wake myself up by shouting - much to the concern of my ever so patient wife. (oh and trust me, I do dream a *lot* - I should write a book about my weird nocturnal imaginings. The one about the roast chicken god hidden in the air ducts of a train for example…).

At the end of the day it may not be up there with the all time famous animated movies and some might find the moralising message laid on too thick, but you can't fault the imagination of the source material and the wonderful way that Chuck Jones adapted it to the big screen. It's a bit of a lost classic really. The book's author apparently hated it (especially when it was well reviewed) but for me the characters have always been part of a really strong vivid memory, and that's why it deserves a place on this list.

Honourable mentions:

• Sleeping Beauty  - Why is a Disney animated film released in 1959 mentioned in a list covering 1970 ? Well the classic fairy tale was re-released for the first time in this year - and more importantly it’s the first film I can recall going to the cinema to see. Even all these decades later, the memory is still really vivid - I can picture the location, almost recall the feel of the velour seats and the smell of the popcorn but most importantly I remember the fear I felt when faced with Maleficent in her dragon form. The purple and black scales, the glowing green eyes - it’s a beautiful yet menacing design. The rest of the film isn’t too shabby either. Sadly, like so many things from my youth, the cinema in question no longer exists - demolished to make way for flats.

• Barbapapa - Apparently inspired by candy floss ( known as “Barbe a papa” or “daddy’s beard” in France), the literary adventures of this pink blob-like character and his colourful, shape-changing family made regular appearances in my village library - and it’s one of the first series I can remember reading. The books were simple, colourful and slightly strange - perfect fodder for a young child. Four years later there was a TV series, racking up an astonishing 100 five-minute episodes across its two seasons - plus the inevitable BBC hardback annual (a perfect gift for Christmas!). Long after I can no longer remember the actual stories, the character designs have stayed with me. 

• Scrooge - There have been a million and one versions of Charles Dickens 1843 classic “A Christmas Carol” - and obviously a certain Muppet one is the best (and I’ll get to that in time) - but for me this is a close second, due to it being family favourite every year when it first started being shown on TV. Albert Finney is old Ebeneezer in an all-singing, all-dancing, all-star spectacular. Director Robert Neame gets the best out of his ensemble and the choreography is second to none - with the stand out being the Oscar-nominated “Thank You Very Much”. The musical has also had a long legacy with no less than five different stage shows starring the likes of Anthony Newley, Tommy Steele and Shane Ritchie. There’s even been a Netflix animated movie as recently as 2022, with the vocal talents of Luke Evans in the starring role. No matter the version, the songs are guaranteed to have me singing along.

• The Goodies - I adore the madcap adventures of Grahame Garden, Tim Brooke-Taylor and Bill Oddie - the trio that “do anything, anytime”. Although the programme debuted in 1970, for me the golden age is really 1972 through to 1975 with episodes such as "Kitten Kong", "The Goodies and the Beanstalk", "Kung-Fu Kapers", "The Movies", "Gunfight at the OK Tearooms" and of course "Puppet Government". It was a travesty that the BBC only ever repeated selected episodes - and then rarely - and only a handful were available to buy on DVD until 2019. Having now watched them all, it’s clear than a few are very much of their time, and occasionally a bit repetitive (how many times did we need Grahame as a mad scientist?).  But in the main they were surreal, topical, absurd and just damn funny. 

• The Adventures of Rupert Bear - Just Raggety. The stuff of nightmares. What were they thinking?...