Timelord Thoughts13 - The Husbands of River Song

Goodness me this is late. I blame visiting relatives. Or too much trifle. Or hours spent playing as the Doctor in 'LEGO Dimensions'. Anyway let's go back ten days to Christmas 2015 and what may well be (if the rumours are to be believed) the last new Doctor Who we will see for some time. It's also the last of these "bullet-point" reviews, so what did I make of:

The Husbands Of River Song

• It's an impressive start. A filmic zoom across a snowy tree-filled landscape. Stirring music swelling as we cross a wintry moonlit wonderland (was I the only one who momentarily thought of the "Dambusters" theme?). 
• A bright red flying saucer. It's a wonderfully retro 1950s design, reminiscent of "The Day The Earth Stood Still" or "Mars Attacks". It also reminds me of the family story that used to get trotted out every Christmas - of how my brother was given a battery powered flying saucer as a present, complete with 'pilot'. It used to wander randomly over the floor making alien burbling noises with the occasional laser blast to ward off attackers. My young sibling (he must only have been around six years old) decided that he wanted to find out what made it tick, so proceeded to prise the alien out of his plastic dome and lever apart the two halves of the saucer (he must have found a tool from somewhere - this was the 1970s okay?). Come Boxing Day we discovered him happily sitting on the living room floor with the pieces strewn around him. Needless to say despite my dad's best efforts the saucer never wandered or burbled again. 
• So Mendorax Dellora seems to be a colony that's has based itself on Dickensian whimsy crossed with twenty-first century bad taste (not to mention a certain "Trap Street" in modern day London, but we'll let that budgetary necessity slide since it does look so Christmassy). Those roof lights are just horrible tacky. Nice to see that classic carols have survived into 5343 though.
•  "Carol singers will be criticised". That sounds like the Twelfth Doctor.
• Mathiesa Boutique. A reference to writer Jamie Mathieson surely.
• Matt Lucas bumbles along accompanied by some cheerful yet irritating noodlings from Murray Gold. I hope this is not a sign of things to come.
• I do like the idea that the TARDIS thinks that the Doctor needs cheering up (goodness knows after all he's been through lately he certainly deserves it) so gives him some red antlers and takes him to a planet where it's Christmas. After all the Eleventh Doctor spent 900 years protecting the town of Christmas on Trenzalore.
• The Doctor obviously does want to be distracted though - he's very quick to allow a case of mistaken identity pull him into events. Then again according to the Second Doctor he does have a medical degree from Glasgow in 1888.
• Maybe the Doctor has been to a planet where David Icke's theories are true and the ruling elite are all disguised lizards. Or he could just have been watching too much "V"...
• The piano on the head is a classic comedy trope, dating back to Laurel and Hardy shorts and innumerable cartoons (extra points if the character rises from the wreckage with a mouthful of piano keys for teeth which start playing by themselves). The Doctor even used a cricket ball to avert a piano drop in "Human Nature".
• "Nardole what have you brought to my doorstep?" - "I've had a haircut. This is my best suit". Now where have we heard words similar to that before? Way back in 2008...
• It's just a fantastic huge grin from Capaldi as the Doctor realises who the cowled figure really is.

• "People usually need a flowchart". He not wrong. There's a good one here.
• I know that this is meant to be a River who doesn't know this version of the Doctor and this is what she gets up to when she is not seeing him, but the dialogue here just seems a bit "off" and her character comes across as very cold and rather unpleasant.
• "I think I'm going to need a bigger flowchart". A "Jaws" reference always makes me happy. 
• It's a full-on Yuletide makeover for the opening sequence complete with baubles and snowflakes. I particularly like the way the titles dissolve. The addition of bells does nothing to redeem the theme music however.
• Okay so maybe River is being arch because she knows she is being watched by four billion people. Either that or she thinks she's in a pantomime - Greg Davies certainly does.
• Hydroflax is a great name for a villain. Or a cat.
• The Doctor looks so disappointed that River is married to someone else and doesn't recognise him. Or is that cross? The repeated arm folding gives out mixed messages.
• Cross arms to go with his attack eyebrows? He's building a real arsenal of bodily weaponry.
• I'm really hoping it's not going to be an hour of the overplayed theatrics. We're only five minutes in and it's already starting to grate.
• "...keep it together. Don't make puddles". That raised a slight smile.
• So the Twelfth Doctor is apparently an anti-monarchist. Well, they do have form in trying to kill him or creating secret organisations to oppose him.
• Okaaay...so this *is* being played as farce. The face massage and the gurning from Davies seal it. It's a very very broad SF comedy. I suppose that's okay.
• Nope. I'm sorry but if a man behaving strangely says "I'm the Doctor" to River, she wouldn't just dismiss it out of hand - even if he doesn't match the pictures in her diary. At the very least she would interrogate him to find out why he was impersonating her husband. There might be a plethora of hidden cameras watching her every move but she would give some indication that his name meant something to her.
• I really thought we'd seen the last of the sonic shades once the Doctor got a new screwdriver. At least this time they are actually being used to look at something.
• The Halassi Androvar diamond. Halassi could be taken from the town Halasi in India which is rich in historical temples and monuments. Androvar seems to be the name of an anabolic muscle supplement. Then again they could just be two words that together sound a bit "alien"...
• River's moral compass has always been a bit "flexible", but marrying someone just so she can remove his head to get at a priceless diamond seems a bit more mercenary for hire than archaeologist. Maybe when the Doctor is not around her programming by Madame Kovarian reasserts itself in some way. At least the Doctor does pull her up on it.
• Hydroflax really doesn't sound like a nice guy. I have a slight hesitation about having a villain who eats his victims in a show transmitted just after the majority of people have gorged themselves on their Christmas dinner, but maybe that's the point.
• "Are you...thinking? Stop it you're a man, it looks weird". The male segment of the audience with female partners just turned to their other halves and went "What?". 
• Alex Kingston is still delivering all her lines as if she is in her first day at RADA.
• I did like how the Doctor mimed his former appearance as Eleven. Jimmy Hill indeed.
• River had a *second* wife? A hundred Big Finish audio box sets just sprung into existence.
• Greg Davies does his "quizzically angry" face. There is some pointless cross-cutting of swords being drawn (which look more medieval than sentient) Murray Gold parps loudly that this is a shocking situation. It's not.
• The surprise that Hydroflax's head comes off might have been more astonishing if they hadn't revealed it in the bloody trailer !
•  Hmmm. Maybe, just maybe we are about to turn away from "Whoops! There Go My Bloomers" territory. River sounded almost sincere there.
• As a marketing opportunity I doubt a sonic trowel is up there with the screwdriver and the glasses. It won't stop someone producing one though. Let this be the last thing though, please
• "Get ready to say wheee". Okay I'll stop being a grumpy guts. That was quite funny.

• "Recommendation: chill". And that wasn't.
• Yes Steven Moffat, why *does* everything have to be "sexy"? It started in "The Eleventh Hour" and continued right the way through Matt Smith's tenure. The Twelfth Doctor called the T-Rex in "Deep Breath"a "big sexy woman" and River clearly likes a big red robot body. It even cropped up in the recent Sherlock special. Time for a new adjective.
• Any young kids watching (which thankfully there would have been this time when it was transmitted at 5.15 pm) would find the idea of a shouty head in a bag hilarious.
• It's so nice to see Capaldi's Doctor laughing at the absurdity of it all while he makes a snow angel on the ground. It's infectious.
• Yet again we are meant to believe that River is too thick to get the Doctor hints about his identity. It's so out of character. Maybe she doesn't want to think that that there is a version of him that she knows nothing about. Or maybe Moffat is just twisting common sense a bit too much for dramatic effect.
• If River wipes peoples memories when they get too annoying, just how many husbands (or wives) has she got out there in the universe? Has she ever done it to the Doctor?
• It's a nice touch that the pictures River has of the Doctor are all taken from existing episodes, not simply publicity shots. 
• I'm starting to think that River has created her own legend about the Doctor - one in which she has enlarged her part in things and how he always needs her help - hence the "Damsel in Distress" codename. I guess name-dropping that she is the Doctor's rescuer is good for opening a few doors. Then again she could be referencing the charity record "Doctor In Distress", but I don't think *anyone* wants to remember that !
• Matt Lucas is really just playing an amalgamation of his Little Britain characters isn't he? I keep expecting Tom Baker's voice to intone "There's a small town in Southern Ireland called Muff..."
• We have to address the look of Hydroflax's robot body. Someone has clearly been watching a lot of Japanese mecha anime (or the US equivalents) - Robotech Macross or Gundam or Neon Genesis Evangelion, Maybe even some Voltron or the X-Bomber from "Star Fleet". Of course there's also some Baymax from the "Big Hero Six" movie thrown in there too. Personally I'd have hoped for some "Shogun Warriors", but then I loved the Marvel comic back in 1979.
• Giant robot fish from the ninth dimension.That sounds like a story that could only be realised in comic strip form. Preferably featuring the Sixth Doctor and Frobisher and illustrated by John Ridgway.
• With one scene Moffat has created yet another alternative set of stories where River Song steals the TARDIS and has her own adventures  - almost as if she was a female Doctor. I'd rather have that than the Clara / Me space diner solution we got at the end of "Hell Bent".
• There's a lovely disgusted look to camera by the Doctor as River says her fond farewells to Ramone.

• "Finally. It's my go". Capaldi milks it for all it's worth and it's hilarious. For once, over the top was the only way to go. Not sure how you can snog three-dimensional Euclidian geometry but who cares. I can imagine that Peter has been waiting his whole life for that scene.
• It's also great that River has a secret brandy stash hidden in one of the new roundels that the Doctor knows nothing about and once again she apparently knows stuff about the TARDIS controls that he doesn't. This is more like the River from prior episodes.
• Oh come on, River - figure it out. Please. He's clever, he knows too much about future technology for a mere surgeon. Join the dots. This is absurd. Three idiot moments is enough for one lifetime (or one episode).
• That's a pretty good Greg Davies mask on that prop. Even the Mission Impossible team would be fooled by that one.
• "Does sarcasm help?" "Wouldn't it be a great universe if it did?". Oh yes. My life would be so much easier.
• It like all technology, the more it's developed the smaller it gets. So the Type 40 TARDIS needs a whole gigantic room to contain it's stabilised black hole, yet Hydroflax can put one inside his cybernetic body. He's probably got a USB slot and bluetooth too.
•  Oh and he's a total nutter as well - willing to blow up his subjects because he's a bit cross. My big problem with Hydroflax is that I can't take the Greg Davies (or the Mr. Gilbert) out of the king. It would have worked so much better with a less famous actor - or at least one not known for playing angry characters. Greg can act - I've seen it - but here he's just being used for his stereotype personna.
• Lot's of loud music and shouting and quick cutting to cover the fact that nothing is really happening once the robot body is inside the TARDIS.
• At times the Doctor almost seems to have reverted to his series 8 persona - not liking hand holding or being told to hush.
• It's a big jump from the twee shops and snow of Mendorax Dellora to the luxury of the starliner Harmony & Redemption, but it works.The production team seem to have made the effort to create some new alien races (even if they are a little Star Trek "humans with bits stuck the their faces"). The external FX are impressive too.
• In another Star Trek moment, the ship is travelling at Warp Factor 12. Depending on which series you favour, Classic or Next Generation, that's either very, very fast or...impossible. In any case the liner would have to be hurtling along to cruise between seven different galaxies.
• Gamma Eridani is a real star in the constellation Eridanus. It's traditional name is Zaurak ("the boat"). It's currently a red giant.
• Flemming the Maitre D' is a lovely creation with his facial protuberances giving a hint of a pencil moustache. I'm guessing that he's some sort of arachnid based lifeform, what with the mother-eating baby ceremony and all. It's known as Matriphagy and is found in some species of insects, scorpions, nematode worms and spiders. Crab spiderlings are provided with unfertilised eggs to munch on, but they also eat their mother until she can't move and then they consume her entirely. Still apparently they have higher survival rates than young who don't eat mum. He could also be related to the Malmooth, last seen in "Utopia"
• Another use of a deadlock seal. "Even the sonic screwdriver won't get me out of this one".(sorry too much LEGO Dimensions...)
• Some pointless padding with the Hydroflax in a bag / stomach gags.
• Yes River, that is a nice dress. Yes you do look good for 200. Hang on I think I need to consult that flowchart again...
• There are many examples of secret societies and cults allegedly containing mass murderers: The Thugee's, the Triad's, the Illuminati, the Thule's. It's debatable whether the idea of a dining club for genocidal murderers is appropriate Christmas Day subject matter....
• Did anyone notice that Flemming's sycophantic smile dropped immediately to a grimace of disgust once his 'guests' were out of line of sight?
• "It's the easiest lie you can tell a man. They'll automatically believe any story they're the hero of". Ouch. The Doctor looks visibly hurt by that one. The thing is, I'm getting the feeling that River is this cynical towards all men *except* the Doctor. No one else can live up to him in her eyes, so she treats all other males as inferior. The problem right now is that the Doctor doesn't know that. He's never been around a River who doesn't recognise him before.
• If River's diary is almost full them we must be heading for The Library in the 51st century soon. The Eleventh Doctor would have known how much longer she had to live when he gave her the book.
• She's lying clearly. Her expression speaks volumes. The Doctor is *definitely* very special to River, but she's not about to reveal that kind of intimate detail to a man she hardly knows.
• Scratch sounds like he has been smoking tons of extra strong cigarettes a day for the last 40 years. 
• The Shoal of the Winter Harmony is a very Russell T Davies type name. More random words shoved together. It's a bit unfortunate to have this race and the space cruiser have "Harmony" in their names though - unless there is some unrevealed connection.
• That's just horrible - Scratch pulling his head apart like that. The Doctor's right, he shouldn't do it in a place where food is eaten. It's put my right off my sprouts. The effect is very well done though.

• The sudden realisation that the restaurant has been block booked by the "Shoal" is very reminiscent of "Deep Breath", where the Doctor and Clara suddenly found they were the only living beings in a restaurant full of clockwork robots.
• I'm not quite sure why they start hissing - unless is a sign of pleasure or happiness...
• A device that accesses all the banks in the galaxy? That's just waiting to be hacked isn't it?
• Uh-oh. I think River's plan just went a little awry. You would have thought that she had done her research before starting the con, and not tried to sell Hydroflax's head to a bunch of his own conquered zealots who have a penchant for using their own brain cavities as extra luggage space. The Doctor's face says it all. Awkward.
• Awkward is also how I feel about the whole scene where the Doctor tries to delay giving the bag to Scratch and then changes tack to reveal the head of their "dead" ruler. It's another case of where (as has happened many times this episode) the tone veers wildly from moment to moment. We are back to farce again and it's not Capaldi's strong point.
• It's no better as River and the Doctor try to start a fake bidding war amongst the Shoal. Look! - says Murray Gold though his music - this is funny. Go on. Laugh! But it's not funny. Not even mildly. 
• At least there is some sense of justice when the Baymax body decides that "Hydroflax" can only survive by destroying his own head. I'm pretty glad to see the end of his Royal Shoutiness. Sorry Greg, I think you were wasted in this role.
• We could have done without the comedic "boing" as the diamond falls into the ash however.
• Flemming's reading of River's diary is a potted history of her adventures with the Doctor. Even the ones we haven't seen, like Jim the Fish (who got a mention in "The Impossible Astronaut" I think). Actually there is a whole diary entry in the video game "The Eternity Clock" that talk about Jim, the Doctor and a night of karaoke in a bar run by the Brotherhood of Maldovar. Of course that's not canon. Unless you want it to be.
• If River has just been to Manhattan then she's recently seen the Eleventh Doctor and said goodbye forever to her parents. Maybe that explains her colder and mercenary traits coming to the fore - it's a coping mechanism.
• See what I mean about tone? It sounds serious when we get some threats from River, assertion that the Doctor is a "legendary being of remarkable power" and that most of the passengers of the "Harmony & Redemption" would love to see him dead - but it's followed by some 'comedic' jowl wobbling from Matt Lucas and talk of things being a bit whiffy. It's all over the place.
• Then in one single scene Moffat pulls things back. Rivers speech about how she loves the Doctor but never expected him to love her is just glorious. "When you love the Doctor it's like loving the stars themselves. You don't expect a sunset to admire you back". It's wonderful and moving and it's a shame it's taken us 40 minutes to get here. This is the River Song we all know. 
• You can see the comprehension on the Doctor's face as he realises just what River really thinks of him - and then it's her turn. She just looks at him and the light dawns. It's beautifully played by both actors as the Doctor just whispers those two familiar words: "Hello, sweetie".
• For once it's the Doctor in charge of the relationship and I love the way he revels in playfully teasing River about her declarations of love. He's enjoying this.

• And they're off. Even though they have not worked together on the show before, Peter Capaldi and Alex Kingston mesh really well once the secrets are out of the way. All the stuff about the meteor strike and an exploding restaurant guide and his new body is great - it's like Alex has remembered how to play River again. I know the apparent inconsistencies in her personality were more than likely deliberate on the part of writer and director but it's just nice to have the 'proper' River back. The banter is like old times.
• A shame the dialogue gets lost because the music is just SO loud. Look, I know I'm not the only one who finds it annoying and I know it's been a bit of an issue all the way back to 2005 but lately it seems to have got worse. I have a friend who has theorised that the BBC just have a hard drive with all of Murray's old music on it and now they simply think "Alien attack - select Track 32" or "the Doctor runs down a corridor, we need Track 78". Maybe it's enforced cost-cutting and they can only afford so many hours of his time per series. It's not as if he is not producing new work - the score for "Heaven Sent" was just sublime - but it's entirely possible that one episode used up all the budget so they have to rely on "stock" music, Whatever the reason it's causing any subtleties in dialogue performance to be lost through inappropriate music. We don't *have* to have dramatic sound for absolutely everything. The volume contrrol issues however - those I lay fully at the BBC's door. 
• At least when the resolution to the threat of the headless robot is resolved by using that handy dandy banking globe, it's not in the way I was expecting. No hacking, just excellent internet security.
• I wish you hadn't made that crap joke either Doctor, or brought attention to how terrible it really was.
• Who's keeping score here? By my reckoning during the back and forth River has been married at least six times - Two wives, the Doctor, Hydroflax, Ramone and of course Stephen Fry (that must have involved a memory wipe). The Doctor meanwhile has been married only four (Elizabeth I, Cleopatra, River Song and Marilyn Monroe (although one was in an alternative timeline and one may have only been an engagement). Of course they could both be lying. Also how is marrying Stephen Fry the same thing as marrying Cleopatra?...
• River mentions that a visit to the Singing Towers of Darillium is meant to signify her and the Doctor's final night together. The fact that she says the Doctor always cancels at the last minute neatly sidesteps the events of "Last Night" - one of the shorts produced for the complete series six boxset - when it was meant to be the Eleventh Doctor that was taking her there. Except that's not canon. Except it is. Oh you decide.
• If it wasn't certain before, the appearance of the new sonic screwdriver confirms that this adventure takes place after the events of "Hell Bent".
• "Crashing spaceships, that's my job". Actually Doctor, sometimes your companions are better at it than you...
• Yes, River definitely said "You b*****d" as she teleported away didn't she?
• I just want to pause for a minute and praise the lighting in these scenes. Douglas Mackinnon, his assistant directors and the whole camera and lighting team have really worked wonders. The variation of orange colours from the planet below, the lights of the TARDIS, it's all beautiful. In fact the lighting in the majority of the episodes of this series (especially the incredible "Heaven Sent") has just been wonderful. Look how far we have come in ten years.
• Back to the story and even in the midst of extreme danger the Doctor and River can't help but show how important they have become to each other. Forty-ish minutes ago I was worried that Capaldi and Kingston wouldn't work together, but now the sparks are really flying and this is two actors showing a real rapport and an understanding of the characters and their relationship. I worried needlessly.
• That's one hell of a crash. Well done stunt doubles. Disposed of a few mass murders in the process too.
• Such a simple use of time travel to skip forward a few hours to when the crash site flames have died down. It's a wonder that this kind of thing has not been shown more often. The Twelfth Doctor has a much easier way of steering the TARDIS too - just one big lever. The days of hammers and bells and feet on consoles are long gone.
• For such a large spaceship there doesn't seem to be much of it left. The crash site set reminds me of that first episode of "Lost".
• Maybe the Doctor is becoming more empathic towards the pudding brains. That was quite a nice thing he said to the gent in the hard hat.
• It's becoming clear that Moffat is putting all the pieces together. No restaurant on Darillium? Just arrange for one to be built. No table available for four years? No problem when you have a time machine. It's almost as if the Doctor knew that this was going to happen. But he couldn't have...could he?
• Hey River  - you were so caught up in arriving at the restaurant and changing into another nice dress that you left the bloody TARDIS door open!!
• If Ramone is still alive working in the restaurant does that mean he and River are still married? Or did that dissolve when his head was removed from his body? 
• It should come as no surprise that River takes a shine to Ramone's metal body. After all she apparently spent "many nights of passion" with Hydroflax.
• Click goes another piece when the Doctor gives River the screwdriver (and in a new suit too). It looks exactly like the one she has in "Silence in the Library". She never said it was a Christmas present.
• I do like the fact that the Doctor makes an effort to tell River how good she looks, even if he has no real idea what he is talking about. This was very prevalent with the Eleventh Doctor, who really struggled with the notion of attractiveness in humans. Of course the Fourth Doctor once told Countess Scarlioni "You're a beautiful woman, probably".
• It's a beautiful shot of the Singing Towers accompanied, for once, by some lovely music from Murray Gold. Maybe there was a bit of the budget left after all. Perhaps they should consider employing him only for the quiet pieces and get someone new for the action scenes.
• The idea of singing rock formations probably comes from the stories around the Collossi of Memnon near Luxor in Egypt. The statues of Pharaoh Amenhotep III are around 3.400 years old and are bloody huge. Around 2,000 years ago a large earthquake reportedly shattered the northern colossus, collapsing the top half and cracking the lower. Following this the lower part was then reputed to "sing" on various occasions, usually at dawn.
• In "Forest of the Dead", as she is about to die and be uploaded to the Library mainframe, River told the Tenth Doctor "Funny thing is, this means you've always known how I was going to die. All the time we've been together, you knew I was coming here. The last time I saw you, the real you, the future you, I mean, you turned up on my doorstep, with a new haircut and a suit. You took me to Darillium to see the Singing Towers. What a night that was. The Towers sang, and you cried". I never expected Moffat to tie up all those loose ends. He always leaves so much open to interpretation or imagination or just fan argument. But just this once I'm so glad that he decided to fill in those blanks.
• And with the Doctor saying "Spoilers" the wheel turns full circle and the roles are reversed. The Doctor has finally caught up with River's timeline. He knows where River is going and she doesn't. I'll fully admit that I'm one of those few (and I know there are not many of us) who have loved River Song's appearances in the series. I thought she had a perfect poignant farewell in "The Name of the Doctor" and for a long time it looked like this episode was going to tarnish that. But this - right at the end - has redeemed things.
• Again River talks about the events of "Last Night" (when there were two Eleventh Doctors). Moffat will keep referring to these things until you accept them, you know.
• "Every Christmas is the last Christmas". Echoes of last year's special. A shame that the Doctor won't remember Clara's part in that adventure.
• He won't say it. The Doctor never says it. But his story about the towers is the story of him and River. A love story across all of time and space. "...but always...when you need it the most...there is a song". I think I have something in my eye...
• They can have 24 years together. That's enough time...to be happy. Let this be the end. Let River Song pass into memory as one of Doctor Who's great characters. She might be back in various Big Finish stories but we can ignore those (if we so choose). This is the perfect full stop.

Conclusion:

Well that was definitely a very mixed bag. Forty-five minutes of over the top RTD flim-flam only saved by the last fifteen. Peter and Alex were the best things in it by a country mile but even they struggled with some of it. Greg Davies was just Mr Shouty and....what was the point of Matt Lucas again?

Alright maybe that's a bit harsh. The Christmas episodes have to be more "broad" to allow for the post-lunch-engorged-with-food crowd - nothing too complex, serious or thought provoking - and it's true that this did have a lot of easily digestible elements. It was a rollicking romp with robots, revenge, romance, reconciliations and a man in a bobble hat. Given how serious and "dark" series nine was at times I guess we needed a little light relief.

The thing is I think you can have all those things and tell a great story, but for me the majority was pretty forgettable - a lot of larking about with no real substance (you could have cut 15 minutes without any real noticeable effect). Thankfully the scenes with River and the Doctor made up for things. The two co-stars had real chemistry and I was very happy with how the relationship turned out. I'm also glad that she was the one who was able to make him laugh after the pain and loss he has gone through recently.

Let's hope this really is the end of River's story so that she goes out smiling too.