I Saw Elvis In A Potato Chip Once 12 - The X-Files 1.12 - Fire

I should be excited at another script from creator and show-runner Chris Carter - but unfortunately the quality is taking a real nosedive...

The X-Files 1.12 - Fire

U.S. culture is everywhere. Through TV shows, films and the export of  American brands and stores, people the world over feel that they have a good handle on the basics of the United States way of life. When other countries come to make shows set in the U.S.A, there is a pretty reasonable chance that they will get most of the core details right. Unfortunately it doesn't necessarily mean that the exchange works the other way. American media has a pretty terrible record for portraying non domestic cultures with broad strokes and varying degrees of stereotype. It may be better in the 21st century, back back in the 1990s...oh boy.

Such is the case with this weeks episode of the mis-adventures of Mulder and Scully. Despite featuring not one but two British actors, it's full of the most awful cliched ideas about the kind of people that make up this island I call home. If it's not Amanda Pays hamming it up as Mulder's ex-girlfriend who seemingly has never gotten over the quick fumble they had in a graveyard ten years ago, it's a very young Mark Sheppard trying on a series of ever more desperate accents like some maniacal Dick van Dyke tribute act. Trust me, the so called aristocracy do not talk like that, or play football in their blazers or have three gardeners to every ten square feet - and don't get me started on the groan-inducing "Top o' the mornin' to ya". Residents of Eire must have put their feet through the screen at that point. As for naming the villain "Cecil"? There hasn't been a child with that first name in decades - and "L'Ively"? Sheer nonsense.

Since it's ostensibly a British case, we get the obligatory reference to Sherlock Holmes, but this is far from a "three pipe problem". The plot is so obvious and straight line that a child could work it out. The villain of the piece has no motivation. There is no explanation for his "talent". He just appears, sets fire to stuff (and himself) and shuffles off the screen presumably never to be heard of again. What was the point?  Exactly why did he hate the English nobs so much? There was a throwaway line about satanism in Bath, but it has no real context or connection to our twisted firestarter.

It's not as if he was even a particularly cunning arsonist. He mixes paint with rocket fuel, which surely must stink to high heaven. Lights multiple cigarettes near said accelerant. Goes around setting fire to drinking establishments for totally no reason - and couldn't make his plans any more obvious if he tried. Maybe that's what Carter was going for - the insane cackling telekinetic pyromaniac that can't be reasoned with - but surely it could have been done more intelligently than this? Even Cecil's "end" is pathetic, with Mark comically flailing around in the garden for a couple of minutes waiting for the stunt man to take over. He's so much better than this crap, especially that final cheesy line. It's almost worthy of  "Batman And Robin"...

The supposed reveals about Mulder's Oxford shenanigans with Phoebe and his fear of fire are not so much weaved into the plot as crammed in with a crowbar. The first is only there to kick start the plot and provide some unneeded emotional conflict and the second is just to give Mulder something to overcome. You just know that neither will be mentioned ever again.

There are two saving graces in all this mess. One is the FBI arson expert, who was so wonderfully eccentric and obviously in love with his subject, that I half expected him to lick his projector screen. The other is Gillian Anderson who acts her socks off against Mulder the moonfaced puppy and Phoebe and her hideous floral dresses. Scully is the only one who comes out with any dignity.

Other thoughts and facts:

• At first I thought the subject of this weeks episode was going to be one of my favourites - Spontaneous Human Combustion. Then I thought we would get a story concerning someone that can skilfully manipulate fire. Nope.
• Sir Arthur Conan Doyle is not buried in Windlesham, Surrey. He was originally interred at his home in Crowborough, but about 60 years ago was moved to the graveyard of All Saints' Church in Minstead, near another family residence. However, Windlesham has been graced by such luminaries as Queen guitarist Brian May, actor Brian Blessed and golfer Nick Faldo, 
• There is an incredibly weird and legthy shot in this episode of Mulder's bare feet while he talks to Scully in an adjoining hotel room chair. What was the director thinking?
• Mulder says that when he was confronted by the fire in the hotel he "'hared out". What does that even mean? It's not a phrase I have ever come across before except in the context of getting away from somewhere very swiftly - which is exactly what Mulder *didn't* do.
• He's also terrible at putting out the fire in the main room of the house. Waving a blanket at it would have only fanned the flames higher or at the very least caused his piece of cloth to catch alight. That's not fear of fire, just idiocy.

Conclusion: Just awful.