We're All Stories In The End 2 - All-Consuming Fire

It's my first Virgin New Adventure  - a book that manages to combine my love for all things Doctor Who with another literary hero. 

Move over Batman - it's the word's greatest detective...

All-Consuming Fire by Andy Lane

Seventh Doctor New Adventures number: 27

Originally published: June 1994

Companions: Ace and Benny

"I've been all over the universe with you, Doctor, and Earth in the nineteenth century is the most alien place I've ever seen."

England, 1887. The secret library of St John the Beheaded has been robbed. The thief has taken forbidden books which tell of mythical beasts and gateways to other worlds. Only one team can be trusted to solve the crime: Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson.

As their investigation leads them to the dark underside of Victorian London, Holmes and Watson soon realise that someone else is following the same trail. Someone who has the power to kill with a glance. And they sense a strange, inhuman shape observing them from the shadows. Then they meet the mysterious traveller known only as the Doctor -- the last person alive to read the stolen books.

While Bernice waits in nineteenth-century India, Ace is trapped on a bizarre alien world. And the Doctor finds himself unwillingly united with England's greatest consulting detective.

Okay, so my first time reading a New Adventures novel and thanks to the fact that our podcast overlord has chosen a different selection system, we are not reading them in publication order. This is going to be interesting !

Mainly because, while a lot of Doctor Who stories contain call backs to things that have not been televised or written,  here there are mentions of adventures that I just haven't read yet. This is especially true with a character like Bernice Summerfield. In this book she's been part of the TARDIS team for a while, but I've yet to find out how she meets the Doctor. My own personal River Song I guess.

Anyway, "All-Consuming Fire" is a great book to start with, as it combines two of my favourite things - Doctor Who and Sherlock Holmes

Author Andy Lane clearly knows his Holmes history and peppers the book with references to past cases  - and a bit of Googling revealed that he has written a whole series of Young Sherlock novels, so clearly he's a fan.  I also liked the mentions of characters from the Sax Rohmer Fu-Manchu novels and Professor Challenger from Conan Doyle's Lost World.

And I especially enjoyed the use of long hidden brother Sherringford Holmes. The name really only appeared in Conan Doyle's notes as a possible alternative to Sherlock - and a fictional biography of Holmes in the 1960's -  but it's a name that’s been used by loads of authors since of course. Oddly I first came across it in the character of Sherringford Hovis in the novels of master of far fetched fiction Robert Rankin.

In fact the whole conceit that’s used here about Holmes and Watson being real people and the names being pseudonyms to protect their identities has been around for nearly 100 years - fans often refer to it as "The Great Game". It's a fun idea and many have played with it.

As an aside, as a youngster I personally always liked Author Philip Jose Farmers's "Wold Newton" universe, where everyone from Tarzan and Doc Savage to Holmes, Allan Quatermain, The Shadow and Philip Marlowe are all descended from the same handful of families that were affected by a falling meteorite.

The other bit of the plot I found *really* interesting was the use of spontaneous human combustion or "SHC". 

Now back in the '70s and '80s there was a huge interest in the paranormal - things like Bigfoot, the Bermuda Triangle,  ESP and of course UFOS. I guess all this  peaked in the UK in 1981 - with the TV show "Arthur C Clarke's Mysterious World" and the publication of "The Unexplained" - one of those weekly part-work magazines, this time about all things spooky and weird. I'll admit - I  lapped this up and convinced my parents to let me buy every issue. I still have all thirteen volumes in binders more than 40 years later.

There were a number of pieces about spontaneous human combustion in the magazine and as a gruesomely fascinated 13 year old  I read these avidly, with their pictures of charred remains, stumps of legs and oddly untouched rooms - so much so that when we had to do a 3 minute piece on our favourite subject in front of the English class, where others talked about football teams or pets or TV shows - I chose SHC.

I diligently memorised my three minute speech and held up pictures from the magazine to illustrate my points - to looks of incredulity from my classmates - and my teacher. I'm not sure what they made of it. It definitely wouldn’t be allowed nowadays !

Anyway back in the Sherlockian world of Doctor Who...

Favourite scenes or lines? Well I did like the Doctor clearly getting his Third incarnation kicked out of the Diogenes Club for breaking the no talking rules - and Benny and the Doctor greeting each other by "performing tricks with bits of our anatomy". And who couldn’t like the Baron snarling to Watson "you will pay in coins of agony". 

I also notice Andy Lane gets Holmes to mimic the Groucho Marx line "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member". As a Marx Brothers fan  that made me smile a lot.

However,  I'm not entirely sure about Sherringford Holme's final words mirroring those of Colonel Kurtz from Heart of Darkness / Apocalypse Now. A bit out of place I felt.

Anyway all great stuff, and I really enjoyed the book -  on to the next one !

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"The horror… the horror…"

Golden Sunsets - 50 Years Of Memories - Part 25 - 1991

This time two comedy legends create the funniest sitcom ever made...

1991:

The trivia:

• When robbers broke into the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam thanks to help from one of the security guards, they made off with 20 carefully chosen paintings worth a fortune. Unfortunately their careful planning was hampered by their main getaway car having a flat tire, causing them to abandon a stolen guard's car and flee - leaving all the paintings inside. Everything was recovered safely just 35 minutes after the initial theft.
• The record for the most people on a single aircraft was set in 1991 by an El Al Boeing 747 during 'Operation Solomon' when 1,086 Ethiopian Jews were evacuated from Addis Ababa. to Israel. The plane landed with 1,088 passengers as two babies were born during the flight. 
• "Kentucky Fried Chicken" officially changed its name to "KFC". A conspiracy theory of the time claimed that this was because they were not selling actual chickens, but cloned headless chicken bodies. 

The memory:

Bottom

So at last we come to my favourite comedy TV show of all time - the one that stands head and shoulders above all others. It's the culmination of all the work that Rik Mayall and Ade Edmonson had done in years past with "The Dangerous Brothers", "The Young Ones" and "Filthy, Rich & Catflap". It's bleak, violent, chaotic and incredibly silly. It's their masterpiece and I just bloody well love it.

Richard "Richie" Richard (Mayall) and Edward Elisabeth "Eddie" Hitler (Edmonson) are two layabout perverted nutters who live in Hammersmith, London. Eddie mostly thinks about drinking and  and Richie is desperate to meet a woman and finally "do it". They hate each other but seem doomed to be stuck together, wishing for better things but never achieving them. As many have observed, it's Samuel Beckett's "Waiting For Godot" with plenty of added extreme "Tom and Jerry" style slapstick violence to go round. A frying pan in the face usually.

Each week would see the pair of losers make some attempt to improve their lot or fill the void of their meaningless lives - and usually fail. Whether it was trying to attract "birds" down the "Lamb & Flag" by wearing a pheromone sex spray, stealing the gas supply from next door just as the gasman arrives to read the meter, the pair indulging in a chess game using some frozen prawns, a potted cactus, a bottle of ketchup and a large Spider-Man figurine, or Richie deciding that he was the reincarnation of the Virgin Mary due to some dodgy Christmas gifts, it was all side-splittingly funny.

There were also some memorable guest stars. Brian Glover was suitably menacing (yet tender) as Mr. Rottweiler next door. Helen Lederer was rich aristocrat Lady Natasha Letitia Sarah Jane Wellesley Obstromsky Ponsonsky Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Oblomov Boblomov Dob and of course Stephen O'Donnell and Chris Ryan apperaed several times as Eddie's best fiends Spudgun and Dave Hedgehog. But many of the episodes featured just Rik and Ade for the full half hour doing what they do best - insulting each other, and committing the most awful violent acts.

The really important thing about the series though is that if  the mutual enjoyment of "Mr Jolly Lives Next Door" had brought my much younger sister and I closer together, "Bottom" was the thing that really cemented how much we had the same sense of humour. Our parents didn't get it and our brother could take it or leave it., so this was *our* show and we were utterly fanatical about it. I bought all the VHS videos and the "Bottom Fluffs" out take compilations, Episodes such as "Smells", "Gas", "Apocalypse", Digger" and "Terror" were watched over and over again and the brilliant lines were endlessly quoted between us.

We were also lucky enough to get to see three of the live stage shows. The first tour in particular I remember being an incredibly hot evening in the theatre and Rik and Ade were constantly having to wipe themselves down (ooo-err). With the hilarious script (much ruder than the TV version) plus the constant ad-libs, mucking about and trying to put each other off I think I nearly passed out from laughing so much. The first two shows are the best in my opinion, but any chance to see the geniuses at work up close was worth it.

Even now birthday or Christmas cards between us always end with "Love from all the lads on the Ark Royal". A compliment sometimes gets an added "..and may I just say what a smashing blouse you have on?". Sometimes we just shout "Gasman!!" at each other. We spent one memorable New Years Eve texting each other trying to see who could recall the most quotes (it was a draw). I even have a mug which proclaims I am a "Sad old git". Our shared love of a daft TV programme has endured.

This show isn't just something I enjoyed watching. It hasn't just seeped into my consciousness. It's welded itself inextricably to my DNA.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Honourary mentions:

• G.B.H. - Alan Bleasdale's  political drama about the rise and fall of a militant left Labour city councilor is full of pitch black humour, farcical behaviour and rage against elitist society, but he also manages to imbue all  his characters with a complexity and depth that no matter how nasty they might be you still feel for them. Robert Lindsay is a revelation as the angry, womanising Michael Murray who wages a war against Michael Palin's special needs teacher - each of them on the verge of a nervous breakdown. As revelations about his childhood are constantly on the verge of being revealed, Murray descends into a accumulation of  tics and jerks, likely to randomly shoot his arm up in a Hitler-like salute at the oddest moments. The political edge may be blunted somewhat to modern audiences, but I remember at the time being gripped by all seven episodes. All this and part of one episode is set at a "Doctor Who" convention !

• The death of Freddie Mercury - The sad demise of the "Queen" front man was the first celebrity passing that really affected me (the other was naturally Rik Mayall). I didn't know Mr. Mercury personally of course, but his distinctive voice had been part of the soundtrack of my life for so many years and even decades later I still think about the wonderful music that we never got to hear. When it was announced that Freddie had gone and the TV channels first showed the stark black and white video for "These Are The Days Of Our Lives", I had floods of tears running down my face. The vibrant star looked so ill and he must have known that it was to be one of his final ever performances. There is a look that he gives to camera at the end as he quietly states "I still love you". It gets me ever single damn time.

• Imajica by Clive Barker - The fantasy / horror maestro's largest book, and in my opinion his best. The Earth is one of five Dominions, collectively known as the 'Imajica', overseen by the Unbeheld Hapexamendios.  However our sphere  has been cut off from the other four for thousands of years by the 'In Ovo' void. Those who practice the ancient magical arts (known as Maestros) have repeatedly tried (and failed) to reconcile Earth with the other Dominions. The last attempt two hundred years ago resulted in the death of everyone involved and led to the formation of the Tabula Rasa, a secret society tasked with preventing any further use of magic.Into this scenario are thrust a seemingly normal human man and his ex wife, her poet lover and a mysterious assassin - but this is just the tip of a an insanely huge iceberg. Calling This novel epic just doesn't do it justice, and every one of its thousand plus pages (it later had to be split into two volumes) is needed to handle the complex plot and the mind-warping concepts. Truly brilliant.

• Defending Your Life - Albert Brooks plays Daniel Miller, an advertising executive who dies in a car accident. He finds himself in the pleasant modern surroundings of 'Judgement City' where all humans must stand trial to see if they have matured enough to pass to the next phase of existence, or return to Earth for another try. During this he meets and falls in love with Julia (Meryl Streep) who has led a life of generosity and courage, while Daniel's actions have always been ruledby his own insecurities. The events of the film are full of wonderful gentle performances from the two actors, plus great support from veteran Rip Torn as Miller's defence lawyer. You wouldn't think that a young man in his twenties would like an American romantic comedy full of musings on the nature of existence and how as human beings we are all basically ruled by fear. But something in this whimsical fantasy drama touched me and it's remained a pleasant memory ever since I first saw it.

• Doctor Who: The New Adventures - I have an admission to make. I was never really into these books when they initially came out. Oh I bought the first half a dozen along with my friend Ian, but when he carried on to collect the full set, I abandoned them. My interest in "Doctor Who" had waned significantly by this point and there was just too much other non-TV-related fiction to read instead. Such was the case for over a decade. Of course when the new series arrived in 2005 I made up for it by purchasing the whole lot (at great expense sadly). "Stories too broad and too deep for the small screen" the blurb on the back covers proclaimed and yes, there are many things which even in today's progressive society RTD or Moffat could't get away with in a prime-time family show. My reading speed has ground to a crawl in recent years (I need sleep more) but I still harbour an ambition to read all the Seventh Doctor adventures in a long marathon sequence...

• Hudson Hawk - I don't care that almost no-one else seems to like this film. I love it. It's surreal, crazy, over-the-top, inventive, outlandish, often doesn't make sense and just damn good fun. It's not an action movie (which was part of the problem with the marketing). It's a crime caper cum spy film like the 1960s "Our Man Flint" but seen through a 1990s lens  - it even features James Coburn in a supporting role and *that* telephone ringing noise. Richard E. Grant is also hamming it up for all he is worth. By all accounts it was hellish to make but the pain for those involved was worth it. Bruce Willis is more like the charming, wisecracking detective from "Moonlighting" than tough-as-nails John McClane from "Die Hard", and that's all the better as far as I am concerned. I'm going to go and watch it again right *now*.

• Sega Mega Drive - This was my first games "console" - as opposed to the ZX Spectrum which was more of a home computer. For various reasons I only ever bought half a dozen or so games for it but, of course the original "Sonic The Hedgehog" was my favourite.The thought of the lava and underwater levels still gives me palpitations...