Golden Sunsets - 50 Years Of Memories - Part 26 - 1992

This year's top choice is something I have already written about before in another medium...

1992:

The trivia:

• Around 70 members of the French scouting group 'Éclaireuses et Éclaireurs de France ' descended on the Upper Mayriere Cave at the Bruniquel archaeological site with the intention of using wire brushes to remove modern graffiti defacing the cave walls. Unfortunately they got a bit carried away and managed to at least partially remove two 15,000 year old prehistoric paintings of bison before realising what they were.
• In 1633 under threat of torture, the Inquisition of the Roman Catholic Church forced Galileo Galilei, one of the founders of modern science, to recant his theory that the Earth revolved around the Sun. 359 years later Pope John Paul II finally declared that Galileo had been right. However it had taken the committee involved over a decade of research to makes their minds up.
• When the ship "Ever Laurel" hit a storm in the North Pacific in January of 1992, several large containers were washed overboard - one of those those which burst open held a consignment of 28.800 "Friendly Floatee" bath toys in the shape of yellow ducks, red beavers, blue turtles and green frogs. As they were made from durable plastic and sealed watertight, they survived years adrift in the oceans. Some travelled over 17,000 miles and spent years frozen in Arctic ice before washing up on shores as far afield as Hawaii, Ireland and the UK.

The memory:

Virtual Murder

Back at the end of  2015, I wrote this post about the interesting journey which lead to me finally become a published writer -  through an essay about the short-lived BBC series "Virtual Murder" appearing in the "You And Who Else" charity anthology about 50 years of British telefantasy. Now 18 or so months later, I have reached the point in this series of look-back posts where the TV show was first transmitted, so it seems right that I should reproduce that essay here.

What you will read below is exactly the essay as it was published in "You And Who Else". I have just added a few pictures to break up the text.

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Footfalls Echo In The Memory

Memory is what defines us. It makes us who we are as human beings. The man I am today has been shaped by the last 48 years of experiences. As much as I recall the morals and virtues instilled in me by my parents and the fun times I had as a child, I also recollect the harsh words from bullies at school or the rows with my ex-wife. They are all part of me.

Who I am now has also been heavily influenced by the television I watched. I have this reputation at work (from my participation in numerous pub quizzes) for being a repository for minor trivia about TV. It’s not really justified – it’s just that I can name all of the 'Fingerbobs' and sing the theme song to "Fraggle Rock" and tell you who played Will Scarlett in "Robin of Sherwood" – which my colleagues can’t. I think it’s because I have always tended to associate the different periods in my life with the SF and fantasy TV series of the times. A kind of tele-visual shorthand if you will – one informs the other and vice versa. As much as music or smells can be a mnemonic spark, fantastical TV (the odder the better) has been a trigger for me.

Ask me about being four or five years old and it will be as much about "Catweazle" or "Crystal Tipps and Alistair" as the birthday party I had or the holiday to the Isle of Wight. At ten my year was defined by "King of the Castle" and" Children of the Stones" – and something about a fancy dress street party for the Silver Jubilee. When I reflect on turning twenty in 1987, it’s "Star Cops" and "Max Headroom" that I think of. And through it all like a seam of gold in a layer of quartz is "Doctor Who". **

In 1992 I was 25 years old, had been at work in a steady job for several years and lived in a shared house with two friends (although that was about to come to a messy end – we had bought the place together, what were we thinking?). The following year I would meet the woman who would become my first wife. But right then, I was still (marginally) more interested in fiction than reality.

Comics and "Doctor Who" have always been my twin passions, but the Timelord had been off of the TV screens for three years and I’d sadly drifted away from being a fan – even disposing of all my Target novelisations (what a terrible mistake that turned out to be). Apart from the sublime "Twin Peaks" a year earlier, there was a not a whole lot of genre TV out there at this time - this was pre the "X-File"s / "Babylon 5" explosion. I’d gravitated towards "Star Trek: The Next Generation" and "Quantum Leap" – transmitted in that famous BBC2 6.00pm slot – but although both were great programmes, they just weren’t “special” to me in the way that "Doctor Who" had been. Something was about to come along to change all that…

In a TV landscape somewhat dominated by fly-on-the-wall documentaries, "Virtual Murder" was an attempt by the BBC to break the pattern and go back to what it has always done best – original drama, this time with a SF / fantasy leaning. It was also to be for adults – transmitted at 9.30pm in the evening. So what would this new series be like? Take the 60’s camp oddness of "The Avengers" or "Department S". Add in a dash of Holmesian detective skills and genius intellect. Toss in a soupcon of the eccentricities of "Doctor Who". Stir well with a pinch of modern technological innovations. Voila! A recipe for success? Maybe.

The show concerned the adventures of the square jawed Dr John Cornelius (JC), a psychology lecturer, played by the late Nicholas Clay. Assisted by glamorous girlfriend Samantha Valentine (Kim Thompson), he helped the police in tracking down macabre criminals.

In my personal world, bereft of my favourite kind of quirky escapist drama, I seized it with both hands. This was the kind of thing I wanted to watch – not endless episodes of police on the beat or conference meetings on starships in a supposedly perfect future society! The cases the eccentric Doctor Cornelius investigated were as equally bizarre as the criminals. Paintings suddenly melting, a trail of bodies linked by strange knot clues, the brother of Santa Claus in a tale of two skeletons, a modern-day vampire, and deadly corporate espionage in a virtual environment. "Next Gen" couldn’t offer that kind of uniquely British nuttiness. The series had a knowing awareness of its own overblown unreality - and I loved it. It was the little show that tried to be something different. 

I think I saw Cornelius as a kind of a proto-Timelord. Perhaps my Who fandom was trying to reassert itself? I could almost imagine a future incarnation of the Doctor being exiled to Earth like his predecessor and setting up in a university as a consultant psychologist / detective. Except this regeneration had a full romantic relationship with his “assistant”! There were already hints of both Baker’s in Nicholas Clay’s performance, so it wasn’t too much of a stretch. I’d always identified with the Doctor as the odd-one-out (which was exactly how I had felt during my formative years). With Who off the air, perhaps I latched onto JC as a role model. Being intelligent and well read *could* get you the girl. I’m not ashamed to say that I was still trying to “find” myself, even at 25.

Whatever the underlying reasons, every Friday night I would be sitting there watching - enjoying the banter between JC and Samantha, the skulduggery of the villains and the sheer style, fun and inventiveness on display. I tried talking about it with friends and family and work colleagues, but while those that weren’t down the pub on a Friday night enjoyed it well enough, they just didn’t seem to “get” it to quite the extent I did. In a way I liked that. "Virtual Murder" had become “my” show. Arguments had started between my friends and I, and despite living in the same house we weren’t socialising together anymore. I really felt quite unhappy and trapped in a situation of my own making, so I retreated into the things that gave me the most pleasure. Comic books and this strange serial had become my escape.

Even with all the Doctor-ish qualities I was probably projecting onto the programme, it was genuinely a who's-who of Who both in front of and behind the camera. Bernard Bresslaw, Philip Martin, Richard Todd, Bernard Horsfall, Peggy Mount - the list went on. Best of all, episode four had Jon Pertwee as Luis Silverado, a retired brothel keeper (and chef). Pertwee quite obviously had a ball in the role – dodgy Spanish accent, twirling Mario-like grey moustache and pyromaniacal tendencies. It was "Doctor Who" seen through Star Trek's mirror universe. His character died all too soon, and the episode is the poorer for it, but his brief appearance was fantastic.

There were a plethora of other well known guest artistes too. Hywel Bennett was cast against type for the first time as a villain. Plus Ronald Fraser, Tessa Wyatt, Sean Pertwee, Tony Robinson, Jill Gascoine – Julian Clary as an undertaker even – bulked out an impressive cast list for a serial lasting only a few short weeks. The BBC had put a lot of effort into this.

Looking back now, "Virtual Murder" might also have contained the seed of a lot of elements in popular BBC detective series to come. Is there the kernel of the central relationship between Jonathan Creek and Maddie Magellan in the sparky rapport between JC and Samantha? Maybe a glint of the modern day Sherlock, twenty years before Steven Moffat’s triumphant reboot? Yes, I think about the show that much, even all this time later.

Sadly it wasn’t to last. Six weeks of madness and magic and then it was gone. John Cornelius disappeared off into the sunset, never to be seen by anyone ever again. You see, the real crime JC and Samantha should investigate is why "Virtual Murder" wasn’t an instant gigantic success – and more importantly why is it that this wonderful offbeat set of six episodes has never been repeated on TV or released on any version of home media. The only reason I still have copies to watch now is because I luckily captured them on VHS at the time. The tapes are long gone (victim of a move to a smaller house) but I still have the digital copies I made. Okay, by today’s standards it’s moderately dated in that 1990’s ‘over the top staging / everything’s on videotape / someone’s discovered the funky scene transition effects button’ kind of way, but I didn’t care then and I don’t care now.

What is even worse though is that as marvellous as it was, it seems I’m one of only a handful of people who even remember it existed at all. Go on - do an internet search for Virtual Murder. I’ll wait here for you…

See? Excluding the obvious sites like Wikipedia and IMDB, there are less than half a dozen entries. Even something as obscure as 1977’s American SF sitcom “Quark” has more pages devoted to it and a DVD release. Virtual Murder has been consigned to oblivion – and that’s a damn shame. 

I mentioned earlier that I link TV shows with memories of specific times in my life. Virtual Murder is lodged in there deep and will always bring to mind a transitional and rather difficult period – after becoming independent from my parents, but before the highs (and lows) of what was to become a serious long term relationship. Maybe the rest of the world has forgotten about this odd and unique drama, but me? - I will continue to remember it with great affection.


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** Some of the shows mentioned here will get their own blog posts outside of the "Golden Sunsets" strand at some point in the future. Just in case you wondered...

Honourable mentions:

• The Muppet Christmas Carol - The best version of the Dickens classic story bar none, and I love pretty much every adaptation out there. It was the first Muppet movie made after the death of legendary creator Brian Henson, and I think he would have been very pleased with the results. The key casting of Michael Caine, who plays it completely straight, was genius - but it's the spot on selection of the various Muppets for each of the other roles plus the incredibly catchy songs by Paul Williams that make it such an wonderfully enchanting tale. Watching it has become a Christmas tradition in our household and my kids grew up with it as their favourite film. 

• Savage Dragon - Created by Erik Larsen, one of the original Image Comics founders, this is one of only two titles that has been in continuous publication since the company started. Larsen has written, drawn (and in many cases coloured and lettered) the main strip for every single issue over a period of twenty-five years. - in itself an incredible feat. However what is just as important is that the comic passes in real time, with characters growing up, changing, dying and new creations taking their place. The original Dragon was a green skinned man with huge arms and a large fin on his head. He had vast superhuman strength and was almost impossible to kill because his body had the ability to regenerate itself. He starred in the series for the first 192 issues but was then superseded by his son, Malcolm, who has slightly different powers including the ability to generate electrical charges.  An unabashed superhero comic in the Jack Kirby tradition, Larsen's willingness to experiment coupled with his exaggerated kinetic artwork and huge cast of heroes and villains has kept me reading long after I have dropped all other mainstream titles.

• Tori Amos - Little Earthquakes - In a year that  gave us Right Said Fred (unfortunately), Billy Ray Cyrus and 4 Non Blondes, the stand-out has to be the first album from singer-songwriter Tori Amos. With shades of the quirky, experimental nature of my beloved Kate Bush filtered through an American lens -  and some of the darkest and most soul-bearing lyrics I had thus far encountered, I was instantly smitten and could see that this was the debut of a major talent. I played the whole record constantly and immersed myself in Tori's unique world - one which I've yet to tire of in the 13 albums since. There are many standout tracks - the raw emotion of "Me and A Gun" and the lament to lost love of "China" spring to mind - but if I have to pick a favourite it would be Tori's song about her relationship with her minister father..."Winter":

• Toys - When toymaker Kennth Zevo dies and operation of the company is left to his war-minded brother Leland (Michael Gambon) instead of his children Leslie and Alsatia (Robin Williams and Joan Cusack). The factory turns into a military complex, producing war toys and drones, and  Leslie is forced to fight for his family legacy and control of the company. Ambitious, surreal and incredibly divisive, this cautionary fable is definitely one of those "love it or loathe it" kind of films and I'm betting you can guess which side of the fence I fall on.  I just love the sheet amount of visual imagination on display. The camera work, sets and acting combine to produce something that's very off kilter and  and what may seem like a light-hearted movie actually has a pretty serious message at it's heart. It also helps that it has a fantastic soundtrack from the likes of Grace Jones, Thomas Dolby and a certain Tori Amos. 

Golden Sunsets - 50 Years Of Memories - Part 25 - 1991

This time two comedy legends create the funniest sitcom ever made...

1991:

The trivia:

• When robbers broke into the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam thanks to help from one of the security guards, they made off with 20 carefully chosen paintings worth a fortune. Unfortunately their careful planning was hampered by their main getaway car having a flat tire, causing them to abandon a stolen guard's car and flee - leaving all the paintings inside. Everything was recovered safely just 35 minutes after the initial theft.
• The record for the most people on a single aircraft was set in 1991 by an El Al Boeing 747 during 'Operation Solomon' when 1,086 Ethiopian Jews were evacuated from Addis Ababa. to Israel. The plane landed with 1,088 passengers as two babies were born during the flight. 
• "Kentucky Fried Chicken" officially changed its name to "KFC". A conspiracy theory of the time claimed that this was because they were not selling actual chickens, but cloned headless chicken bodies. 

The memory:

Bottom

So at last we come to my favourite comedy TV show of all time - the one that stands head and shoulders above all others. It's the culmination of all the work that Rik Mayall and Ade Edmonson had done in years past with "The Dangerous Brothers", "The Young Ones" and "Filthy, Rich & Catflap". It's bleak, violent, chaotic and incredibly silly. It's their masterpiece and I just bloody well love it.

Richard "Richie" Richard (Mayall) and Edward Elisabeth "Eddie" Hitler (Edmonson) are two layabout perverted nutters who live in Hammersmith, London. Eddie mostly thinks about drinking and  and Richie is desperate to meet a woman and finally "do it". They hate each other but seem doomed to be stuck together, wishing for better things but never achieving them. As many have observed, it's Samuel Beckett's "Waiting For Godot" with plenty of added extreme "Tom and Jerry" style slapstick violence to go round. A frying pan in the face usually.

Each week would see the pair of losers make some attempt to improve their lot or fill the void of their meaningless lives - and usually fail. Whether it was trying to attract "birds" down the "Lamb & Flag" by wearing a pheromone sex spray, stealing the gas supply from next door just as the gasman arrives to read the meter, the pair indulging in a chess game using some frozen prawns, a potted cactus, a bottle of ketchup and a large Spider-Man figurine, or Richie deciding that he was the reincarnation of the Virgin Mary due to some dodgy Christmas gifts, it was all side-splittingly funny.

There were also some memorable guest stars. Brian Glover was suitably menacing (yet tender) as Mr. Rottweiler next door. Helen Lederer was rich aristocrat Lady Natasha Letitia Sarah Jane Wellesley Obstromsky Ponsonsky Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Oblomov Boblomov Dob and of course Stephen O'Donnell and Chris Ryan apperaed several times as Eddie's best fiends Spudgun and Dave Hedgehog. But many of the episodes featured just Rik and Ade for the full half hour doing what they do best - insulting each other, and committing the most awful violent acts.

The really important thing about the series though is that if  the mutual enjoyment of "Mr Jolly Lives Next Door" had brought my much younger sister and I closer together, "Bottom" was the thing that really cemented how much we had the same sense of humour. Our parents didn't get it and our brother could take it or leave it., so this was *our* show and we were utterly fanatical about it. I bought all the VHS videos and the "Bottom Fluffs" out take compilations, Episodes such as "Smells", "Gas", "Apocalypse", Digger" and "Terror" were watched over and over again and the brilliant lines were endlessly quoted between us.

We were also lucky enough to get to see three of the live stage shows. The first tour in particular I remember being an incredibly hot evening in the theatre and Rik and Ade were constantly having to wipe themselves down (ooo-err). With the hilarious script (much ruder than the TV version) plus the constant ad-libs, mucking about and trying to put each other off I think I nearly passed out from laughing so much. The first two shows are the best in my opinion, but any chance to see the geniuses at work up close was worth it.

Even now birthday or Christmas cards between us always end with "Love from all the lads on the Ark Royal". A compliment sometimes gets an added "..and may I just say what a smashing blouse you have on?". Sometimes we just shout "Gasman!!" at each other. We spent one memorable New Years Eve texting each other trying to see who could recall the most quotes (it was a draw). I even have a mug which proclaims I am a "Sad old git". Our shared love of a daft TV programme has endured.

This show isn't just something I enjoyed watching. It hasn't just seeped into my consciousness. It's welded itself inextricably to my DNA.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Honourary mentions:

• G.B.H. - Alan Bleasdale's  political drama about the rise and fall of a militant left Labour city councilor is full of pitch black humour, farcical behaviour and rage against elitist society, but he also manages to imbue all  his characters with a complexity and depth that no matter how nasty they might be you still feel for them. Robert Lindsay is a revelation as the angry, womanising Michael Murray who wages a war against Michael Palin's special needs teacher - each of them on the verge of a nervous breakdown. As revelations about his childhood are constantly on the verge of being revealed, Murray descends into a accumulation of  tics and jerks, likely to randomly shoot his arm up in a Hitler-like salute at the oddest moments. The political edge may be blunted somewhat to modern audiences, but I remember at the time being gripped by all seven episodes. All this and part of one episode is set at a "Doctor Who" convention !

• The death of Freddie Mercury - The sad demise of the "Queen" front man was the first celebrity passing that really affected me (the other was naturally Rik Mayall). I didn't know Mr. Mercury personally of course, but his distinctive voice had been part of the soundtrack of my life for so many years and even decades later I still think about the wonderful music that we never got to hear. When it was announced that Freddie had gone and the TV channels first showed the stark black and white video for "These Are The Days Of Our Lives", I had floods of tears running down my face. The vibrant star looked so ill and he must have known that it was to be one of his final ever performances. There is a look that he gives to camera at the end as he quietly states "I still love you". It gets me ever single damn time.

• Imajica by Clive Barker - The fantasy / horror maestro's largest book, and in my opinion his best. The Earth is one of five Dominions, collectively known as the 'Imajica', overseen by the Unbeheld Hapexamendios.  However our sphere  has been cut off from the other four for thousands of years by the 'In Ovo' void. Those who practice the ancient magical arts (known as Maestros) have repeatedly tried (and failed) to reconcile Earth with the other Dominions. The last attempt two hundred years ago resulted in the death of everyone involved and led to the formation of the Tabula Rasa, a secret society tasked with preventing any further use of magic.Into this scenario are thrust a seemingly normal human man and his ex wife, her poet lover and a mysterious assassin - but this is just the tip of a an insanely huge iceberg. Calling This novel epic just doesn't do it justice, and every one of its thousand plus pages (it later had to be split into two volumes) is needed to handle the complex plot and the mind-warping concepts. Truly brilliant.

• Defending Your Life - Albert Brooks plays Daniel Miller, an advertising executive who dies in a car accident. He finds himself in the pleasant modern surroundings of 'Judgement City' where all humans must stand trial to see if they have matured enough to pass to the next phase of existence, or return to Earth for another try. During this he meets and falls in love with Julia (Meryl Streep) who has led a life of generosity and courage, while Daniel's actions have always been ruledby his own insecurities. The events of the film are full of wonderful gentle performances from the two actors, plus great support from veteran Rip Torn as Miller's defence lawyer. You wouldn't think that a young man in his twenties would like an American romantic comedy full of musings on the nature of existence and how as human beings we are all basically ruled by fear. But something in this whimsical fantasy drama touched me and it's remained a pleasant memory ever since I first saw it.

• Doctor Who: The New Adventures - I have an admission to make. I was never really into these books when they initially came out. Oh I bought the first half a dozen along with my friend Ian, but when he carried on to collect the full set, I abandoned them. My interest in "Doctor Who" had waned significantly by this point and there was just too much other non-TV-related fiction to read instead. Such was the case for over a decade. Of course when the new series arrived in 2005 I made up for it by purchasing the whole lot (at great expense sadly). "Stories too broad and too deep for the small screen" the blurb on the back covers proclaimed and yes, there are many things which even in today's progressive society RTD or Moffat could't get away with in a prime-time family show. My reading speed has ground to a crawl in recent years (I need sleep more) but I still harbour an ambition to read all the Seventh Doctor adventures in a long marathon sequence...

• Hudson Hawk - I don't care that almost no-one else seems to like this film. I love it. It's surreal, crazy, over-the-top, inventive, outlandish, often doesn't make sense and just damn good fun. It's not an action movie (which was part of the problem with the marketing). It's a crime caper cum spy film like the 1960s "Our Man Flint" but seen through a 1990s lens  - it even features James Coburn in a supporting role and *that* telephone ringing noise. Richard E. Grant is also hamming it up for all he is worth. By all accounts it was hellish to make but the pain for those involved was worth it. Bruce Willis is more like the charming, wisecracking detective from "Moonlighting" than tough-as-nails John McClane from "Die Hard", and that's all the better as far as I am concerned. I'm going to go and watch it again right *now*.

• Sega Mega Drive - This was my first games "console" - as opposed to the ZX Spectrum which was more of a home computer. For various reasons I only ever bought half a dozen or so games for it but, of course the original "Sonic The Hedgehog" was my favourite.The thought of the lava and underwater levels still gives me palpitations...

Golden Sunsets - 50 Years Of Memories - Part 24 - 1990

So one thing dominated my life this year. The owls are not what they seem...

1990:

The trivia:

• Long before the hugely successful musical comedy series concerning the William McKinley High School Glee Club, there was another TV show that tried to fuse drama with big show tunes. "Cop Rock" was created by "Hill Street Blues" supremo Stephen Bochco and centred on the Los Angeles Police Department as they went about their usual duties, but routinely broke out into musical and dance numbers throughout the storylines. It's bizarre nature and a critical drubbing meant it lasted a mere eleven episodes.
• An even quicker departure from TV screens was the fate of an incredibly ill-considered "situation comedy" from fledgling UK satellite TV channel 'Galaxy'. "Heil Honey I'm Home!" was a parody of early American domestic comedies with their corny characters and wildly applauding audiences. The problem was that the situation was Adolf Hitler and his wife Eva Braun living in Berlin and repeatedly trying to get rid of their Jewish neighbours next door! Needless to say although a number of episodes were recorded, only one was ever shown amidst a storm of protests and the whole thing was quietly shoved under the carpet never to be seen again.
• Launched in October 1990, the now world famous Internet Movie Database (IMDb) started life as a Usenet posting by British film fan Colin Needham. Back then however it was known as "Those Eyes" and its sole interest was...actresses with beautiful eyes.

The memory:

Twin Peaks

It's hard to believe that twenty-six years after it ended, here I am able to turn on my television screen and watch brand new episodes of "Twin Peaks". I don't think I have been this excited about the revival of a TV show since "Doctor Who" came back in 2005. This is probably because when it first aired on British screens in 1990, "Twin Peaks" became something that consumed me.

To be honest I don't really want to talk about the minutiae of the plot or the quality of the scripts and actors and programme makers. Far better people than I have written thousands of words on the subject and there have been lots of articles and look-backs in recent months leading up to the revival. But for the sake of those who may have been living under a rock, let 's get the basic information out of the way first - the stuff that pretty much everyone is aware of even if they have never watched the show, because it's seeped into the public consciousness. Mark Frost and David Lynch. Special Agent Dale Cooper. Who killed Laura Palmer? A body wrapped in plastic. Damn fine coffee and cherry pie. One-armed men, giants, a red curtained room and lots of weird stuff that no one quite understands.

But "Twin Peaks" was so much more that just an odd murder / mystery / soap opera. As it's popularity grew during those weeks of October / November 1990, my friends and I began to get together to watch the show, having weekly Twin Peaks evenings where we could view the episode and then chat about what it all meant. The haunting music by Angelo Badalamenti became our soundtrack. We poured over the details, every new snippet of information in newspapers and magazines. Considering the UK was six months behind original transmission at the start (we caught up significantly by the end of season two), I don't remember any spoilers leaking out about the shooting of Agent Cooper at the end of episode eight. Luckily we only had to wait over the Christmas break before finding out the resolution...

That meant I personally had time to read "The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer" - an official 'novel' which fleshed out the personal history of the tragic teenager and her descent into a world of prostitution, drugs and the manipulations of an evil creature called BOB. It was the perfect way to continue my fascination with the series and it's characters.

When the programme returned in January it was full steam head into 22 episodes of drama, weirdness and horror. The revelation of Laura's killer was just the start. I know I may be in the minority here, but I really enjoyed the involvement of Cooper's old partner Windom Earle and the lengths he went to to gain access to the Black Lodge. The more mystery and mythology the show added the better as far as I was concerned - which meant that the final episode was an astonishing mix of the mundane and the mad, culminating in one of the best cliffhangers in TV history.

Sadly there was to be no immediate follow-up. But I consoled myself with the other assorted official merchandise. "The Autobiography of FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper" gave a lot of background to the unconventional agent. "Twin Peaks: An Access Guide to the Town" was my travellers guide. But my favourite was "Diane... - The Twin Peaks Tapes of Agent Cooper". Performed by Kyle MacLachlan, this was a cassette tape only release which consisted of newly recorded Cooper messages to his unseen assistant Diane, mixed in with sound clips from the broadcasts. This was material set both before and during his trip to Twin Peaks and included Cooper being shot and recovering afterwards. It was as close as I could come to a new episode.

Of course in 1992 we did get something new, although "Fire Walk With Me" wasn't quite what I personally had in mind. It's disturbing narrative and time-twisting prequel / sequel nature meant that on first viewing  many didn't get it - including, I hate to admit, me. It's not a "Twin Peaks" continuation - it's more a David Lynch horror movie set in the same world. Of course subsequently I came to realise what a brilliant piece of cinema it is and how it draws so many of the themes together.

I continued to stay connected to "Twin Peaks" fandom over the next couple of  years, buying the regular fanzine "Wrapped In Plastic" from Win-Mill Productions. But by the time that folded in 1996 any sign of a third series was a non-existent and the television world had moved onto other things - and to be honest so had I. But the series (and my interest in it) was always there at the back of my mind, and I eagerly purchased the various DVD and Blu-ray box sets as they came out, relishing the additional material each one provided.

Over the years rumours continued to surface of a continuation / mini-series / film to explain everything and resolve the dangling plotlines but they never came to anything until...well, here we are in 2017 with eighteen new episodes written and directed by the mastermind behind it all. Judging from the first few I have watched, this is pure unfiltered Lynch - unrestrained by corporate network interference and able to deliver his vision the way he wants to. I couldn't be happier.


Honourable mentions:

• Parker Lewis Can't Lose - In the wake of the success of the 1986 movie "Ferris Bueller's Day Off", the Fox TV network debuted a high school comedy series that riffed on the same idea of a student constantly getting one over on the teachers and other antagonists. The difference was that "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" embraced a far more surreal element that saw it teeter on the edge of destroying the fourth wall. As the titular cool guy, Corin Nemec strolled through the halls of Santo Domingo High with his best buds with unshakeable self confidence, a plan for every situation and an endless supply of loud shirts. Every episode brought a new problem - whether it was outwitting the machinations of the Cruella de Vil-like Principal Musso or Parker's own maniacal little sister. There was an almost Chuck Jones cartoon-like quality to the production, with endless sight gags, visual cues and pop culture references (that will seem incredibly outdated by now). Importantly it was one of the first shows that I ever watched on satellite television. Late 1990 was the year that we got a Sky dish after my parents had initially gone with the "squariel" dish  and the five BSB channels - not the first time that my dad backed the loser in a technology race. In a plethora of new imported shows on "Sky Channel", this little comedy stood out as being fresh and different, even if it'a a little cheesy.

• Dances With Wolves -  Kevin Costner's epic historical western which tells the story of a Union Lieutenant and his relationship with a tribe of Lakota Indians was my favourite film of the year by a wide margin. Although I was already a fan of the genre through exposure to the classics by my parents, I vividly remember going to the cinema with my friends and being blown away (even if the projectionist did get the screen ratio wrong at the beginning so everything was squashed and had to start the reel again). This was also a time where a three hour long movie was rare, which made the whole thing seem even more of an event (the eventual four-hour special edition was even better).  Like "Jaws", I have bought multiple versions over the years in different formats, along with the Oscar-winning soundtrack by John Barry. 

• Postcards From The Edge - The film version of the late Carrie Fisher's semi-autobiographical novel starring Meryl Streep, Shirley MacLaine and Dennis Quaid is a quality piece of drama. But it's on purely this list because of how much I love the song - "I'm Checkin' Out" - that Meryl's character Suzanne Vale performs in the closing moments. Even if you don't like country music, it's still a fantastic performance:

• The Crystal Maze - The original and best version of the classic puzzle-solving adventure game show with mercurial host Richard O'Brien. The challenge saw teams of contestants travelling across four different "zones" to compete in a series of different mental, physical, skill or 'mystery' games against the clock. Each successful game won a time crystal. These allowed the players a certain amount of time in the "Crystal Dome" where they had to collect as many gold tokens as possible from those blown into the air by gigantic fans. Getting over a certain number of gold tokens won the prize - usually activity days out. O'Brien was a perfect if unconventional host - genial and welcoming but also quick with a deadpan quip and jokes to camera about the contestants stupidity. His presence made the programme hugely successful and I religiously watched every week. After his departure it limped on with Ed Tudor-Pole but it was never the same. However the format is so well remembered and loved that a 2017 revival has just started and there are even two real world version you can take part in. I must get a team together...

I Saw Elvis In A Potato Chip Once 15 - The X-Files 1.15 - Lazarus

This is a bit more like it...

The X-Files 1.15 - Lazarus

Thankfully it's a more solid episode this week, The problem is that I can't say it was particularly exciting to watch and consequently I don't have a lot to say about it. However, along with lots of real detective work, there were a couple of nice touches:

Firstly we have the revelation that Dana Scully definitely has a thing for older men, having dated her teacher at some point. While we can question the appropriateness of this and the "daddy issues" that it might suggest, at least it adds further nuance to Scully's character - that's if it is part of her persona and not just a convenient hook dreamt up to hang the plot off of.

The second thing I liked was the professor and his lovely story about the airline pilot who supposedly became possessed by the dead husband of his lover and later strangled her with an extension cord. It's the almost gleeful way that he smiles and walks away after telling this tall tale that endeared him to me. "That's a nice story" says Mulder after a long pause...

Things really do hinge on the performance of Christopher Allport in the role of Willis / Dupre-in Willis' body, and he does some great work here. He's particularly convincing as the multiple murder back from the dead and Dupre's infatuation with Lulu is mirrored is Willis's own intense obsession with the homicidal psychopaths. They are clearly meant to be a take on the Bonnie and Clyde outlaw couple trope, and both guest actors do well in portraying the viciousness of the duo. Nice skull mask too.

I'm less happy with Scully's continued resistance to believe in *any* of Mulder's theories even in the face of some solid evidence to the contrary. I get that this is her ex lover who is being "possessed", so she's more defensive than usual, but her stubbornness to even consider alternative explanations is bordering on stupidity. Surely she should be at least considering that Willis might be ill or unstable after being technically dead for so long - but no, she seems totally okay with things, blindly accepting that "Willis" passed his FBI evaluations and has been cleared to return to duty. Speaking of which, there is no way that Dupre would pass the FBI tests  - he's not a trained agent and has no access to Willis' memories (he can't recall Scully's birthday). It's a tiny step too far.

Other thoughts and facts:

• The whole bit with Dupre's tattoo felt like the writers needed to hammer home the point that Willis had been possessed. It would have been far better to make it more ambiguous and leave viewers in the dark somewhat about if it had really happened, or if Willis's preoccupation with Dupree and Lulu had pushed him off the deep end. 
• Why did "Willis" cut off three fingers from Dupre's hand? He only wanted the ring so surely one would have been enough.
• Can you really estimate the height of a plane from the noise of the engine? Apparently so.
• Someone seems to have Mark Snow's soundtrack generator on autopilot. The "creepy music" riff pops up in the most unusual and inappropriate places in this episode.

In conclusion, while the whole idea of a vengeful "soul" possessing another persons body after death is not a new idea, and the execution might be a tad pedestrian, there are a number of little moments within the episode that lift it above the mere humdrum.

I Saw Elvis In A Potato Chip Once 14 - The X-Files 1.14 - Gender Bender

Oh dear. Another season one clunker, which ends so suddenly it's almost as if they didn't so much run of of airtime as think "Right that's quite enough of that...".

The X-Files 1.14 - Gender Bender

On the face of it, a case involving death by sex should be right up Mulder's street. Not only that but it looks like the killer is a shape shifting genetic mutant too. Fox must having been wetting himself with excitement - and to be honest there is the kernel of a good idea here. The problem is that the whole way it's presented made me feel slightly uncomfortable. I know it's probably a bit unfair to compare the morals of a 1990s show with the more enlightened attitudes of today (for goodness sake don't look at some 1970s British sitcoms), but there is a thinly veiled undercurrent of sexual and religious intolerance going on here - both towards the body-swapping killer and the Amish-like Kindred society.

There is lots of prolonged, meaningful staring. Scully getting incredibly aroused by just a touch. Mulder being completely unable to read a map or follow a compass. Some nasty looking goo. What appeared to be a sudden shot of Princess Diana. It all gets bogged down under the weight of its own ridiculousness. Plus there's that ending. Is it a genius shock twist - or just mad? I bet we never hear of the Kindred ever again.

To be fair there are a few good points. The episode is directed and shot very well and there is a nice organic vibe going on with the fleshy pulsating walls. Duchovny and Anderson are great and the actor who played Brother Andrew manages to keep things just the right side of the creepy serial killer line - but only just.

Other thoughts and facts:

• Just what the hell is a "Chippy"? As if there wasn't enough sexism going on.
• There's a large picture on the wall near the start that looks very H.R. Giger. Someone's a fan.
• The music cue in the caves sequence is very "Tubular Bells" (or "The Exorcist" if you must). Someones's head turning right round would have pepped things up no end.
• I wonder how the Amish society felt about the episode? Oh wait - they don't watch television, so the writers could be as rude as they liked.

So far "The X-Files" season one has been wildly varying in terms of quality with only a couple of standouts - and I'm not really feeling the love. Saying that, the same could be said of a show like "Star Trek: The Next Generation" in it's premiere year, and look how that turned out. With ten episodes left I'm hoping things start to step up a gear as the creative team find their feet at last.

Random Ravings 16 - Art And Illusion

So, I haven't done one of these for a while, and I thought it was time I caught up with some very brief thoughts on the latest series of what has become one of my all time top TV shows...

Line of Duty Series 4

Not quite reaching the heights of season 3 and the conclusion of the "Caddy" storyline, this was still riveting television. Getting an actress of the calibre of Thandie Newton in as your main antagonist doesn't hurt of course. A slow first couple of episodes had me worried for a while, but I shouldn't have doubted creator Jed Mercurio and his ability to ratchet up the tension and deliver a finale that had several "punch the air" moments. In the end the identity of  "Balaclava Man" was relatively unimportant, just peeling back another layer of this vast conspiracy at the top of the police force.

As Roz Huntely, Thandie Newton was ice cold under pressure, but this did mean that I didn't feel any connection to her or begin to doubt her culpability in the same way as Lindsay Denton from the previous series. However I can't deny her that small moment of redemption when she was able to reveal the extent of lawyer Jimmy Lakewell's corruption. Her last act was to actually do her job as a police officer and save an innocent man from jail.

The real star of the show though continues to be Adrian Dunbar as Superintendent Ted Hastings - surely up there with being the best TV cop since...Gene Hunt?. I almost stood up and cheered when he finally got his man and sleazy chief Derek Hilton was revealed at last - twinned with a vague sense of dissatisfaction that his death was off-camera.

There’s still a ton of unanswered questions. Who exactly are the criminal at the top of the chain? How many other “Balaclava men” are still out there, and how many bent coppers? Was Hilton really the so-called “H” in charge? “This is beginning to feel like a life’s work” said Ted Hastings. I can’t have been the only one to think "I bloody well hope so". Here's to series five.

I Saw Elvis In A Potato Chip Once 13 - The X-Files 1.13 - Beyond The Sea

From the ridiculous to the sublime...

The X-Files 1.13 - Beyond The Sea

It's amazing that this show can follow up the worst episode of the season with one of the best. It's a real deliberate and emotional character study, centred on a pair of sensational performances from Gillian Anderson and Brad Dourif, as for the first time Scully becomes the believer and Mulder the sceptic.

The opening sequence is quite surreal and spooky. One moment we are watching Scully in an slightly awkward exchange with her parents about her job and before you know it, she's asleep on the sofa in front of the TV (we've all done it). But wait - Dad's still here - supposedly talking but no sound is coming from his lips. The phone rings and Scully finds out he's actually just died an hour ago. Cue the credits... Okay so perhaps it's not that original a stinger, but it sets the tone for what's to come. Scully is on the back foot, her rational mind and belief in science brought into question and she finds herself inexorably drawn to Boggs - the murder on death row who seemingly can provide her with some closure.

What I find particularly interesting about this scenario is how it to an extent riffs on the very real world of "psychics" and the way that they can (and do) use cold reading techniques to fool the bereaved into thinking they can contact the afterlife. Like my favourite entertainer Derren Brown, I'm fascinated by the "skill" involved in fooling people, even if I do not in any way approve of the reasons.

On one hand Boggs seems to be the typical charlatan, faking the voices and his messages from the dead. Mulder doesn't believe a word of it and even catches him out with a nice bit of fakery of his own. But on the other hand he seems to be at the mercy of these visions and whatever is controlling him. There is certainly more going on here - what exactly is it that Scully sees when she gets these glimpses of her departed father? It's not as if she is mistaking a similar looking man for her dad (as I once did for my own grandfather some time after he had died) - she is really experiencing something unsettling. Boggs knows things that no amount of parlour trickery could pull off.

This switch  between the exposure of a con artist and a genuine paranormal experience is a fine line for the episode to walk and the fact that it leaves so much still unanswered, yet at the same time feels complete is down to the great writing and acting. Brad Dourif might be a bit of an expert at playing unstable nasty characters, but he manages to make an unrepentant death row inmate somewhat sympathetic, and I did change my opinion of Boggs as the episode progressed.

One could argue that Scully sees what she wants to see and hears what she wants to hear - even if there is something paranormal at work You could also say that it pushes the concept too far - would she really break down like that in front of a convict despite all the emotional stress she was under? My problem  with the episode was more that Milder seemed very out of character. Usually he's the one who's open to believing six impossible things before breakfast, but here his rejection of anything Boggs says feels like the writers trying to generate conflict for conflicts sake.

What's intriguing though is that in the closing moments, Mulder asks why she can't believe in what she's seen, and she says, "I'm afraid to believe.". I'm hoping that this might mean Scully is more open to things in future...

Other thoughts and facts:

• Another joke about Mulder's porn addiction. I guess it's preferable to being caught looking at alien abduction reports

Golden Sunsets - 50 Years Of Memories - Part 20 - 1986

We love you. That's why we're here...

1986:

The trivia:

• As a fundraising publicity stunt for the "United Way" charity, organisers released one and a half million balloons into the skies above Cleveland, Ohio. Unfortunately it all went disastrously wrong when the balloons clogged roads and waterways, shut down an airport runway, and forced the Coast Guard to suspend the search for two missing fishermen, who sadly ended up drowning. Multiple damage claims were made for millions of dollars.
• The cult dark comedy fantasy "Troll" stars Noah Hathaway (more famous as Atreyu in "The NeverEnding Story") as a character named Harry Potter Jnr. He is introduced to a hidden world of magic by a mysterious old woman who lives in the apartment upstairs. Just conicidental similarities to the J.K. Rowling publishing phenomenon? The producers of "Troll" don't think so...
• An estimated 30 million people tuned into a two-hour television special to watch star Geraldo Rivera open a secret vault beneath the Lexington Hotel supposedly owned by crime lord Al Capone. Hyped to possibly hold dead bodies or vast sums of cash, it actually turned out to be completely bare - except for a few empty bottles.

The memory:

A Very Peculiar Practice

Famously only written by Andrew Davies because he discovered he owed the BBC £17,000, this darkly comic satire is probably the finest thing actor Peter Davison has ever been part of (and that includes Doctor Who). Set in the fictional Lowlands University, "A Very Peculiar Practice" sees Davison play the painfully shy, mild mannered and idealistic Stephen Daker who joins the campus medical centre. All he wants is to make people better and get through the day. But instead of a set of highly professional colleagues, Daker discovers he has walked into a practice on the verge of collapse. 

At it's head is the booze-soaked Jock McCannon, played with feverish relish by the incredible Graham Crowden. Jock used to be a good doctor but now is disillusioned and apoplectic about the changes planned by the university Vice Chancellor, Ernest Hemingway (no, not that one), who Jock is convinced has it in for him.  Dictating his mythological treatise on the ills of modern life - "The Sick University" - into a tape recorder, Jock also bemoans his loss of virility, purpose, ability to cure and the crushing inevitability of his own demise.

Alongside this old retainer is the arrogant, constantly underachieving Alan Sugar wanabee Bob Buzzard - always one step away from a hyper active nervous breakdown. It's a role that was made for David Troughton. Bob has no interest in his patients, seeing them as an unpleasant distraction from his goals of climbing the corporate ladder. His scheming and sycophantic attempts to better his lot in life provide many of the best elements of humour.

The final piece in the Lowlands medical jigsaw is the white-coated Nurse Rose Marie played by Barbara Flynn. A radical ultra-feminist bisexual who believes that men are the root of all that is wrong with the world, she also oozes a powerful sexuality and manages to tie poor Doctor Daker (and any watching red-blooded males) in confused knots.

In between coping with the oddball behaviour of his fellow doctor's, Daker tries to support the student's emotional well-being, cure the faculty of their various malady's, handle the outbreak of an STD *and* deal with the machinations of the amoral Hemingway - who just wants to cut funding and earn tons of cash from foreign students. He also begins a tentative relationship with research student (and police woman) Lyn Turtle, who helps him overcome his touch phobias.

Series two sees the university purchased by smooth American Jack Daniels and his defence-contract buddies, who have an eye on stopping all that annoying ‘learning’ nonsense and turning the site into a pure research facility. Lyn has left to go back to the police force and Daker instead gets involved with feisty Polish art student Grete Grotowska.

The series is a biting satire on the state of British society as much as a character piece and is full of wonderful guest appearances from a bevy of British actors - including a very young Hugh Grant. There is a surrealist element to proceedings too - most prominently with the ever more bizarre antics of two unnamed and silent nuns, who are always digging through the rubbish bins, speeding round the campus in a Mini and getting drunk. The nuns seem to be like the ravens at the Tower of London - if they leave, the university dies. Andrew Davies even writes himself into the narrative, in the form of Ron Rust, a creative writing tutor who owes a large sum of money so tries to pen a television series based on Lowlands, The problem is, every outlandish idea he comes up with keeps coming true! 

The final moments are terribly bleak yet oddly fitting with what has come before and testament to the over-riding vision of the series sole writer. Davies wrote over the top characters and some of the situations could even be deemed as farcical, but every single episode was wonderfully enjoyable. Again this was one of those shows which I recorded off the TV onto video tape and watched repeatedly - in fact I don't think I found anything else quite as special outside of the SF and Fantasy genres until Alan Bleasdale's "G.B.H" in 1991.

1992 brought a sequel TV movie "A Very Polish Practice". While it was nice to see Stephen Daker and Greta and mad Bob Buzzard once more, outside of the university setting something was missing. and I've no real desire to watch it again, even with a supporting actors of the calibre of Alfred Molina. I'll stick with the twelve episodes of mad brilliance 

Honourable mentions:

• Comic Relief Utterly Utterly Live - The first (and some would say the best) "Comic Relief" event was a stage show in the style of the Amnesty International "Secret Policeman's Ball" at the Shaftsbury Theatre on three consecutive nights in early April 1986. Featuring a host of alternative comedians, celebrities and musical stars it was hugely popular, especially as the four stars of the BBC's "The Young Ones" performed their number one single "Living Doll" alongside the one and only Cliff Richard. Other highlights included Lenny Henry grinding against a poor audience member as Theophilus P, Wilderbeest, Ben Elton doing his "Train" set and for me, the gorgeous Kate Bush singing "Do Bears Shhhh... In The Woods" with Rowan Atkinson.

Batman: The Dark Knight Returns - Frank Miller's alternate-world take on a much older, embittered Bruce Wayne and his return to the role that he has abandoned after the death of Robin. The world is a more violent frightening place, Superman has become a pawn of the government. and mutant gangs are on the rampage. Credited for ushering in the "dark" age of comic books and influencing a generation of new writers, Miller's most famous work is a politically-charged read that still stands up today (the various sequels less so...), My personal memory is being in my local comic shop as that week's new releases were un-boxed and we all gazed in wonder at this new "prestige " format with its square binding and glossy pages. It was the start of a new age of graphic storytelling, and I was there at the beginning.

• Crossroads - Not the terrible ITV soap opera, but the musical drama starring former "Karate Kid" Ralph Macchio. The film was inspired by blues guitar pioneer Robert Johnson, specifically the legend that he sold his soul to the devil at a crossroads in order to play better than anyone else - and also that there was a "missing song" that no-one had ever discovered. It's not the world's greatest story - at the core it's still the tale of a young man's relationship with an older montor (much like Macchio's previous successes) - but the performances and the "supernatural" elements help keep it fresh and watchable. What has mainly kept it alive in my memory though is the music. I've always been a fan of blues and talented artists such as Johnson, John Lee Hooker, Howlin' Wolf and Muddy Waters - right up to more modern day players such as Eric Clapton or Chris Rea. In "Crossroads" the score comes from accomplished guitarist Ry Cooder and it's just wonderful. The final duelling guitars scene with a performance from Steve Vai is also worthy of particular praise. I seem to have a liking for musical takes on the "battle with the devil" motif, as two other guilty pleasures are 1979's "The Devil Went Down To Georgia" by the Charles Daniels Band and 1975's "Spanish Train" by Chris de Burgh (hey - don't judge til you've heard it...)

• Dice Man - A short-lived spin-off from 2000 AD that aped the "Fighting Fantasy" choose-your-own-adventure stories but in comic strip form. Readers had to jump between pages and panels dependant on decisions they made from the multiple choice options - either progressing through the adventure or dying a horrible death. Featuring 2000 AD stalwarts such as Judge Dredd, Nemesis and Slaine plus original characters, I loved it mainly due to the simply stunning artwork from the likes of Bryan Talbot, Kev O' Neill, Steve Dillon, David Lloyd and others.

• Biggles : Adventures In Time - Take a World War I flying ace who started in nearly 100 novels and stories. Mix in a dash of "Raiders of the Lost Ark". Add a large pinch of "Back to the Future" or even 1979s "Time After Time". What you get is this hodge-podge of a movie which if I'm honest is not the greatest thing in the world but still has a big place in my affections. Salesman Jim Ferguson (Alex Hyde-White) falls through time to 1917 and inadvertently saves the life of pilot James Bigglesworth (Neil Dickinson). The pair then find themselves flung backwards and forwards in time whenever the other is in danger - all the while trying to stop the Germans changing the course of history. Chiefly remembered now as being the last ever screen appearance by Peter Cushing, it's a great little movie. Just overlook the holes and go with the flow. A very 80s theme song and OTT soundtrack from "Yes" frontman Jon Anderson too. Dickinson even ended up reprising his performance as Biggles (sort of) in the Pet Shop Boys 1987 musical "It Couldn't Happen Here", while amongst many other things, Hyde-White went on to play Mr. Fantastic in Roger Corman's unreleased version of "The Fantastic Four".

• Watchmen - It's undeniably Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons's masterpiece and the comic book that changed the face of the industry forever (some would say not for the better) - so much so that even now it''s being used as a springboard for DC's latest relaunch. If you want to show non comics readers that the medium can be so much more than just superhero slug-fests, don't show them this. There are a hundred and one other excellent titles out there. To fully appreciate "Watchmen" I think you need to have at least some understanding of the comics form, because as well as a significant piece of literature and a logical extension of the "what if superheroes were real" concept, it's also a love letter to the way comics work. At the time of original publication I admit to being addicted to the series and bought every version and piece of merchandise going (yes even the smiley face watch) The "squid " ending is still poor though.

I Saw Elvis In A Potato Chip Once 12 - The X-Files 1.12 - Fire

I should be excited at another script from creator and show-runner Chris Carter - but unfortunately the quality is taking a real nosedive...

The X-Files 1.12 - Fire

U.S. culture is everywhere. Through TV shows, films and the export of  American brands and stores, people the world over feel that they have a good handle on the basics of the United States way of life. When other countries come to make shows set in the U.S.A, there is a pretty reasonable chance that they will get most of the core details right. Unfortunately it doesn't necessarily mean that the exchange works the other way. American media has a pretty terrible record for portraying non domestic cultures with broad strokes and varying degrees of stereotype. It may be better in the 21st century, back back in the 1990s...oh boy.

Such is the case with this weeks episode of the mis-adventures of Mulder and Scully. Despite featuring not one but two British actors, it's full of the most awful cliched ideas about the kind of people that make up this island I call home. If it's not Amanda Pays hamming it up as Mulder's ex-girlfriend who seemingly has never gotten over the quick fumble they had in a graveyard ten years ago, it's a very young Mark Sheppard trying on a series of ever more desperate accents like some maniacal Dick van Dyke tribute act. Trust me, the so called aristocracy do not talk like that, or play football in their blazers or have three gardeners to every ten square feet - and don't get me started on the groan-inducing "Top o' the mornin' to ya". Residents of Eire must have put their feet through the screen at that point. As for naming the villain "Cecil"? There hasn't been a child with that first name in decades - and "L'Ively"? Sheer nonsense.

Since it's ostensibly a British case, we get the obligatory reference to Sherlock Holmes, but this is far from a "three pipe problem". The plot is so obvious and straight line that a child could work it out. The villain of the piece has no motivation. There is no explanation for his "talent". He just appears, sets fire to stuff (and himself) and shuffles off the screen presumably never to be heard of again. What was the point?  Exactly why did he hate the English nobs so much? There was a throwaway line about satanism in Bath, but it has no real context or connection to our twisted firestarter.

It's not as if he was even a particularly cunning arsonist. He mixes paint with rocket fuel, which surely must stink to high heaven. Lights multiple cigarettes near said accelerant. Goes around setting fire to drinking establishments for totally no reason - and couldn't make his plans any more obvious if he tried. Maybe that's what Carter was going for - the insane cackling telekinetic pyromaniac that can't be reasoned with - but surely it could have been done more intelligently than this? Even Cecil's "end" is pathetic, with Mark comically flailing around in the garden for a couple of minutes waiting for the stunt man to take over. He's so much better than this crap, especially that final cheesy line. It's almost worthy of  "Batman And Robin"...

The supposed reveals about Mulder's Oxford shenanigans with Phoebe and his fear of fire are not so much weaved into the plot as crammed in with a crowbar. The first is only there to kick start the plot and provide some unneeded emotional conflict and the second is just to give Mulder something to overcome. You just know that neither will be mentioned ever again.

There are two saving graces in all this mess. One is the FBI arson expert, who was so wonderfully eccentric and obviously in love with his subject, that I half expected him to lick his projector screen. The other is Gillian Anderson who acts her socks off against Mulder the moonfaced puppy and Phoebe and her hideous floral dresses. Scully is the only one who comes out with any dignity.

Other thoughts and facts:

• At first I thought the subject of this weeks episode was going to be one of my favourites - Spontaneous Human Combustion. Then I thought we would get a story concerning someone that can skilfully manipulate fire. Nope.
• Sir Arthur Conan Doyle is not buried in Windlesham, Surrey. He was originally interred at his home in Crowborough, but about 60 years ago was moved to the graveyard of All Saints' Church in Minstead, near another family residence. However, Windlesham has been graced by such luminaries as Queen guitarist Brian May, actor Brian Blessed and golfer Nick Faldo, 
• There is an incredibly weird and legthy shot in this episode of Mulder's bare feet while he talks to Scully in an adjoining hotel room chair. What was the director thinking?
• Mulder says that when he was confronted by the fire in the hotel he "'hared out". What does that even mean? It's not a phrase I have ever come across before except in the context of getting away from somewhere very swiftly - which is exactly what Mulder *didn't* do.
• He's also terrible at putting out the fire in the main room of the house. Waving a blanket at it would have only fanned the flames higher or at the very least caused his piece of cloth to catch alight. That's not fear of fire, just idiocy.

Conclusion: Just awful.